Artemis Feline
by Olynara Sedai
Summary: After being rescued by Holly from a toxic spill, Artemis feels different. He and Holly were covered in sludge, and now they're sprouting tails! Will the others find an antidote before kid and cop become cats?
1. Prologue

Summery: After being rescued by Holly from a toxic spill, Artemis feels different. He and Holly were covered in sludge, and now they're sprouting tails! Will the others find an antidote before kid and cop become cats?

**_A/N: This is set before The Opal Deception, except without the mind wipes. Possibly HollyXArtemis, I don't know, but feel free to tell me what you think. I got the idea for this from _Chrono Crusade_ character Sinner Shader, and catguy/catgirl generators on drawing websites, and the ten thousand cat pictures I've drawn. This seems strange and warped, but it won't be cutesy and babyish._**

**Artemis Feline**

How did she get into situations like this? What had she done to deserve them? That was all the thought that managed to break through Holly's mind as she stared at Artemis, from the shadow above a pipe, as the boy stood against a glass tank filled with a ghastly greenish liquid. If they both survived, she would slap him till he bled just for being there.

They were in a wide, open lab, seven guards surronding Artemis. He should have been smart enough to realise that would happen. What had possesed him to actually go into the lab? To mess with the computer! Usually, Holly would have asked about why he was there in the first place, but Foaly had been wondering about the contents of a human lab, which was why Holly was there. It was no surprise Artemis was there too. But why wasn't Butler nearby? The lack of manservant had left the boy as an easy target. Of course, if he had had any idea Holly was nearby, he wouldn't have his hands up, doing his best to talk his way out of the situation. Again, if they both made it out alive, there would be a good deal of teasing about that.

Holly tensed, ready to knock the seven unconcious without the need of a mindwipe, when a man in a lad coat ran in. Even from where she crouched, Holly wrinkled her nose against the strong smell of cats. Artemis's knowledgeable nod meant he knew exactly why the scientist smelled that way. Or had a strong hunch about it. The man began speaking, and Holly listened carefully. If not for herself, Foaly would kill her if he missed anything important.

"You little weasel!" Cried the man, pointing a wavering finger at Artemis, who imediately folded his arms and smirked. "How did you get in here?" Holly was wondering that herself. But, like the loch ness monster, flying saucers, and the human version of the theory of Atlantis, it was a mystery that man would never understand. Holly decided to ask Foaly first thing when she got back to Haven. "Be careful, man!" Continued the almost hysterical scientist. Artemis, still pressed against the foul vat, glanced at it. He was right. "If even a drop of that spills it'll be your head on a plate!" He turned to look back at Artemis, and an evil smile spread across his face. "But please, go ahead and kill the boy, he's seen too much." Artemis was smart enough to swallow hard, and Holly grinned at him. Then cocked her gun stun, and shot all seven of the men, and the scientist. Artemis stared in her direction, and she swooped down gracefully.

"Why do I always have to save you?" She asked sweetly. He smiled suavely.

"Maybe, Captain, you like me." Said the boy, watching Holly's look of horror. A feinted look of horror, by the way, but neither of them knew it.

"If that's what you think, mudboy, those hormones are messing with your brain." Artemis's smile turned to a grimace. Then his eyes widdened. Holly, spun around, knowing enough that any emotion from the Fowl heir at that moment couldn't be good. But it was too late, Holly fired two shots at the hidden marksman, both hitting, but not after he had shot his own. It grazed her elbow, sending her spinning into Artemis, and imbedded itself in the glass behind them, sending cracks spiralling along it's lenght, but not breaking the glass. They would have gotten away if the bullet had missed Holly, or if Artemis was stronger, as when she spun into the adolesant, the unexpected weight and pushed back against the vat. With enough frce to break it.

"Ahhh!" They managed twin screams before the were choking on disgusting green liquid, which was both thicker and stickier than originally thought. And the smells would have made them gag, if they weren't both, for a few seconds, completely covered and surronded by the stuff, which blocked every physical passage, and caused them both to pass out, if only for a few minutes. And by then they had swallowed gallons.

"That was the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted!" Moaned Holly, when she and Artemis awoke. "And I've had Julius's home cooking." Despite the urge to ask why she had tasted Commander Root's home made anything, Artemis merely nodded. He felt like throwing up. Whatever that stuff was, if it was deadly, he was a goner. And so was Holly.

Again, though he wanted to ask what she had been doing there, he assumed it had something to do with Foaly, and simply said: "Mind if I get a ride home? I got here by, ah, public means, since if I was caught on the roads I'd be arrested." Holly rolled her eyes.

"Do you really think I'd just leave you here, mudboy? Come on."

It was a unique trip back to Fowl manor. Why there was a science building four hours away was a mystery, but it was in the opposite direction to civilization, so that made more sense. Not to close as to get visitors often, not to far that it would seem hugely suspicious. But by air it was a quick trip, though very strange. Holly just picked up Artemis, he was reletively light, so she managed, and shielded. Not being, magic, Artemis had to shut his eyes tightly shut to avoid throwing up all over his taxi, as even though she was flying straight, the sheild meant she was never in exactly the same spot for more than a thousanth of a second.

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"Goodnight Fowl." Came Holly's voice, vibrating just outside Artemis the Second's window. It seemed the best place to drop him off. Both were still dripping in the now gelatinious slime, and both planned on immediate showers. Artemis even offered.

"Captain." He said fomaly. "If you wish to get the gunk out-"

"Nah." She dismissed his offer with the wave of a hand. "'Fraid I'll just be off, Artemis. And, technically, we're sort of friends now, so you can call me Holly."

He smirked. "I call you Holly anyway."

"Not just then you didn't. I'll be seeing ya 'round, Arty. Even if it is through Foaly's cameras." Without another word, she took off, but not before Artemis got the last word.

"Funny. That's exactly what I was going to say."

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"Anything good?" Asked Foaly the next fairy workday. "And sorry I wasn't on call; meetings. But I can check the camera footage. Anyway, what happened? Probally pretty boring, just a mudman's chemistry lab."

"Oh, it was interesting, all right." Replied Holly, deciding on the spot to edit out getting drenched in _something_ to avoid health tests and a talk from her supiriors. She felt fine anyway. What could possibly have happened?

_**Okay, that was my first chapter, so please be kind. I'll do better, and go for longer, next time, I swear!**_


	2. Odd Occurences

_**Curses! Why! Why are you doing this! stares at computer Why! It seems that it costs money for a spellcheck thing that should have been in the computer anyway, and I think that's twisted. But, alas, there's only two options: double check my stories, which I should be doing anyway; or pay. Those who know me also know I'm cheap. I make Scruge look like Amensty International. So I'll just try to do better with the important details.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl... Today. Nor do I own Mew Mew anything, as even though I've never seen the anime, I googled it and there is a slight resemblance. Therefore, I will be mentioning that in the story, just not this chapter. But like I said, I own very little in this story, and the characters are definately in the 'I wish' pile.**_

**Chapter 1 Odd Occurences**

It was a week after the 'incident', and Artemis was still feeling pleased with himself. Butler had awoken that night, but only to the sound of of rushing water from Artemis's shower. The clothes were burned in the furnace under the house -a sample of the liquid being kept, of course- while Butler was gardening the next day, and all became peachy keen once more. That's the author talking, Artemis has more style than to use those exact words. Juliet was beginning her wrestling career, and Mrs Angeline Fowl was spending all her time at the hospital her husband had been discovered near, as he wasn't ready to leave yet. That could have had something to do with the fact he wasn't awake. But Artemis was in full knowledge that his father and namesake was fine, and he liked having the house to himself, so he was relatively relaxed.

Till that morning.

Artemis woke slowly, uncomfortably, on his back. He felt like he had been lying on a roll of fabric. And the morning itself was uncomfortable, not in an 'it's raining' or 'monday for school children' way, but simply that it _was_ morning. Not noon, where the sun was nice and cosy, or afternoon, where the shadows began to grow, or night, where everything really comes alive. No, none of these things, just boring, cold, early, morning. He almost rolled out of the bed, and his eyes were bleary. Morning really was horrible. Artemis, who was naturally a morning person, was too depressed by the early light to notice the day's first odd occurence. Artemis, stumbling to the shower, didn't notice that he tended to leave his bed in a neat, almost still-made looking condition, not the miniature tornado that was the result of a full night of tossing and turning. Nor did he notice that he kept a glass of water by the bedside table to help wake him up every morning.

All those things were ignored as he stripped, jumped into the shower, and blasted the taps. Now, that felt normal. The frosted glass windows helped keep away a little of the light, and Artemis had to shut his eyes for the shampoo, which added to a feeling of night time. Much nicer. Or it was till he felt something brush against his back. Gasping slightly, Artemis opened his eyes, a bad move as he had been washing the shampoo from his hair, and got an eye full. Still, one hand rubbing at his stinging eyes, the other tried to find what had touched him. And did. It was long, and furry, though soaked through, and...

This time it was both a mouth full and an eye full as Artemis yelped aloud, feeling the... whatever it was... seemingly attached to the base of his spine. Spitting and coughing, Artemis kept one hand firmly holding the... firmly holding _it_, and managed to wash the painful suds off him before clambering out of the shower for a better look.

It took strict self control not to scream. Or start trying to tear it off.

It looked like a tail. A black, soggy, undulating tail, reaching midway up his back, from what Artemis could see as he looked over his shoulder. He then said something that he had never uttered before in his life. "This isn't possible." He whispered. Another part of him assured him that it was, and would stay that way. But the first part did what any afraid human does. Stall for time. Instead of trying to understand, Artemis turned to the mirror to check if his eyes were alright from the onslaught of suds, and tried to ignore the tail. But once noticed, a tail was hard thing to ignore. He could feel it now that he knew it was there, swishing from side to side as he moved towards the mirror, brushing wetly against his back. But he resolutely stared at the mirror, streching the skin around his eye. But, sadly, that wasn't the right kind of distraction either. He ignored the slight redness of the white, because his pupil had become slightly elongated. Nothing that any normal person would notice, but Artemis Fowl The Second wasn't a normal person. And his recent discovery meant he was watching for anyting abnormal and would notice even the slightest difference in anything. And his eye's changing shape, even slightly, qualified. His ears, too, were different. Well, not different, exactly, just smaller. Much smaller.

"What's happening to me?" He whispered, eyes roving around his face as he searched for more abnormalities. He wasn't disappointed. Or was, depending on how one looked at it.

Artemis's hair had been forced to lie flat with careful combing for twelve years, ever since little two-year old Arty had decided he wanted to look more dignified. After a few years the hair began lying completely flat on it's own, no doubt to cause itself and Artemis's scalp less pain. Hair care isn't easy, people. But the point was, that morning, while searching for abnormalities, Artemis reached up to pat down his hair, which was sticking up in slight tufts on the sides of his head. The quick draw of breath signaled another mutation. Using both hands, Artemis tried to part the hair around one side of his head as he tried to find what the lumps he had felt were. When he did, he instantly regretted it.

Ears. A second pair of ears. That was probably why his first pair were shrinking. But these ears were in no way human; lined with a velvety black fur the same colour as his hair on the outside, soft pink skin within. And like the tail, after finding them he could feel the ears move. Just little twitches he could barely notice, but they were there. A weaker man would already have fainted. But the ears were much less noticable than the tail, since for the most part they lay almost flat against his head, partially covered by his hair. Artemis left the bathroom, but only after checking carefully for any sign of Butler. He... could... not... take... Butler. Not right then. Of course the chance of Butler being in Artemis's bedroom for some reason was unlikely, but in the state of shock Artemis was dealing with, he had the right to be a little paranoid.

He had research to do, but first he had to figure out how to hide the tail from Butler. That would lead to an explanation of where he had been, why, why he hadn't informed Butler, and eventually the final broaching of the age subject. The breathing problems. And taking a hit on his closest friend's pride wasn't something Artemis was prepared to do.

Finally, Artemis figured out how to hide his tail. Just stuff it down his trouser leg. Simple and shockingly effective, other than a slight discomfort in movement. And making the tail bend that way. It was horrifing being able to feel the thing, not to mention the ears nestled in useful indentically coloured hair. It was going to be a looong day.

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Holly Short woke more comfortably than the mud boy, since she not only slept on her side, but had a nocternal advantage. A difference, though, was that she looked in the mirror before the shower, and her ears were more visible, larger. Another difference was that she screamed.

"What the-! This is your fault, mudboy! D'arvit!" Funny how composed she was about the whole thing, all things considered. She didn't whimper, curl up into a ball, or shriek about anything other than that 'damn mudboy'. She just stared at the dappled, auburn ears that sat errect on her head. Obviously she didn't realise her pupils were changing shape, but honestly, who except Artemis would? Turning towards her phone, she saw the tail. And fell back into a shouting fit. Lucky the neighbours were out.

After ten minutes Holly colapsed on the sofa, all screamed out, and just stared into space. Her own tail was tabby shaded, a rich auburn complimented by stripes of a darker shade, and was very thick. Not the sleek, whip-like tail Artemis sported (not that she knew about it), but a luxurious strip of red shag carpet, or a thick, fluffy plume. She knew exactly what she had to do.

"Hello? Police Plaza, Foaly speaking."

"Foaly? It's Holly."

"Great! Wait, you should be almost at work."

"That's the thing. Sorry but I'm feeling really blah. I'm taking a sicky."

"Damn, day's gunna be boring without you. But you know what Beetroot would do if he found out you were lying?"

"Of course! And that's exactly why I'm not. You know me, I _like_ work. Some of the time."

"Too true. Oh well, that sucks, will I see you tomorrow?"

"I don't think that's likely. I'm feeling really under the weather."

"Artemis Fowl hasn't done something that might get you in trouble, has he?" Laughed the centaur.

Holly choked. "N-nope, doubt it. But if he has, you have my permission to drag me out of the house kicking and screaming."

"You promise?"

"Yeah, whatever, I gotta go Foaly. See you real soon. Hopefully."

"Yeah. Hopefully."

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Nothing important happened to either fairy nor boy during the week, at least not in the way most people counted important. But things did happen. It seemed that after the liquid was absorbed, it worked well. Every morning, Artemis woke to find his tail had grown, his ears were more prominent, and his pupils were thinning. Holly woke to the same, though she never seemed to notice the eyes. And yet neither seemed to think that the other had been affected, if they were thought of at all. Then something happened to change that.

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It was near midnight. Butler had awoken from something he couldn't remember, but as nothing seemed wrong, he went to check on Artemis. Butler was worried, the boy hadn't spoken to him very often in the last week. He had been very quiet, and spent much time in the lab, doing something he wouldn't speak about. And he had been drinking more milk than usual. Butler walked carefully into his ward's room. It had been decided they would leave the door unlocked, for safety reasons. Not that Butler couldn't force the door open if he wanted, but it just seemed more polite.

Artemis was asleep. Not fast asleep, he seemed slightly restless, but still asleep. Butler smiled and walked over to the boy's sleeping form. The smile froze in place when Artemis turned his head, revealing something that shouldn't be there. A sharp, black ear lined with white fur twitched in Artemis's ebony hair. Butler stared for a moment, then dashed from the room. Not out of fear, he was made of more than that, and fear _for_ Artemis would always overcome fear _of_ Artemis. No, Domovi Butler was looking for a phone.

Artemis had told him how Holly had saved his life, and though leaving out a few details, mentioned getting the fairy's attention with a phone call. So calling from Fowl manor to Artemis phone would, theoretically, work, if Butler said it was really important, and Foaly actualy listened to a call from Artemis.

"Fairy. LEP. B'wa Kell. Holly. Commander Root. Gold. Please help, it's Butler. Goblin. Softnose. Haven. There's something wrong with Artemis. I need Foaly's help, Please. Sprites. Underground. Time-stop. Atlantis."

That should do it. And Butler would be shadowing Artemis all of the next day, whether the boy liked it or not.


	3. Cream Addicted Mutant

_**Disclaimer: Sadly, I still don't own Artemis Fowl. I'll have to move onto stage two of the 'Kidnap Eion Colfer and steal Artemis Fowl' plan. Till then, I'll just keep writing out these disclaimers and sink lower into melodramatic depression.**_

_**Seriously readers, I don't know whether to make this HollyXArtemis. Opinions would be greatly appretiated. Of course, opinions would be appretiated anyway.**_

**Chapter 2 Cream Addicted Mutant**

Butler kept his word. He followed Artemis around all day, till the boy finally lost it, snapping at the man. "What is it? Stop following me, Butler." Artemis didn't snap a whole lot, so his voice stayed level and calm, it just became very icy. Butler, sighing, explained.

"Artemis, I was checking on you last night and..." He trailed off, unsure how to put it. "Your head, um..." Artemis's withdrawn look meant he understood, but didn't like it.

"Stay here Butler." He said softly. "I'll be back in a moment." Looking at the sceptical look he recieved from Butler, Artemis smiled weakly. "What do you think I would do, Butler?" He asked softly. "Run, just because of you?" Not entirely sure how to take that, Butler took a seat.

Meanwhile, Artemis ruffled his hair, and as he did, his ears perked up, flicking outwards. Looking in a side mirror, he could see that they weren't completely straight on his head, they were angeled. Now came the hard, and devestating, part. Artemis had figured that since the cameras could only be hacked into by Foaly or someone equal to himself, which wasn't likely, if he told Butler about the ears and the tail, he could make life much more comfortable for himself by walking around with the tail showing. He didn't want to scare Butler, but in a week the jet apendage had grown uncomfortably tight against his leg, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to take it much longer. This was sweet relief. So, with a pair of scissors, he sliced a small hole through the back of his unimaginably expensive pants, and his long black tail unfurled behind him. It was now long enough that it reached his shoulder, and the tip had become as icy white colour. Looking at himself in the mirror, an anime version of Artemis looked back. He wouldn't have known about anime, but it was becoming huge; on the occasions he watched televison there were often colourful, big eyed adds, japanese pop ups on the internet, and now, with two cat ears sticking up from his head, and a tail curving around one arm, he could imagine himself shouting 'Arty Power Up!' Shivering slightly at the thought, Artemis walked back out to the room, where Butler was sitting, watching the doorway. He took a deep breath, put his hands behind his back, and strolled calmly into the room, waiting for Butler's reaction.

Not a word. Butler stared, mildly horror striken, at the boy. Artemis felt his tail go very still behind him. "Artemis." Began Butler softly. "What happened?" Artemis sighed, and fell into a chair. For the first time, sideways, so his tail could hang off the arm and not just cause pain by being sat on. He began explaining. And, now unsurprisingly, Butler didn't ask why he went alone. But then, Artemis asked a question. What was that hang dog look about? "I, I was worried about you." Said Butler softly. "So I called for help."

Artemis stared straight up, his ears straightening and tail flicking. Butler almost flinched. "Help from who?" Said the youth softly. The look on Butler's face was enough, but the honest apology on his face made Artemis ease up. His tail and ears lost a little of their ridgidity. "The fairies? Did you call Holly?" That was when it sparked. Holly. What had happened to Holly? "Foaly?" Continued Artemis, a little absently, worried about the recon officer. Was she in the same state he was? Oh no, if she was... Butler nodded for the second name, and Artemis decided to move. He felt like...

"Thank you for your honesty, Butler." Said Artemis formaly. "I'm going to get some cream from the kitchen, is there anything else?" Butler shook his head, a little in wonderment at Artemis's resiliance. But cream? The young boy got up, walking in the direction of the kitchen, two halls away. His tail, black but for the pearl coloured tip, was swinging slowly as he walked. Butler didn't know what to think, how to react, but if Artemis took it so well, they would both wait till the fairies arrived. Holly might be with them, and that would be good for Artemis. He didn't have many friends, and an extremely strange relationship with Captain Short, but it was definately a friendship.

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"Help Fowl, why?" Trouble was a little sceptical about the Commander just wanting to check up on the mud boy to the extent of sending two fairies to check on him. This was Julius Root they were talking about. But according to Foaly that was exactly what he wanted.

Foaly shrugged at the question. "That's just what he wanted, and who am I to deny Julius?" That was the first tip off. Foaly didn't talk like that. He was lying. But Trouble didn't let on.

"So who do I have to take with me? You said two fairies." Foaly grinned.

"The commander wants more above ground work for one of the squad." He chuckled. "A corporal Ke-"

"No way!" Trouble stared at the centaur disbelievingly. "I can deal with Grub when theres a team to keep him in line, but the two of us, and Artemis Fowl? No way." But Foaly just smiled. The smile instantly evaporated when Commander Root stormed through the door, and still outraged over being paired with his brother, Trouble began moaning to him. "Commander!" Growled Trouble, then paled when Root turned to him, turning a darker shade of red at being addressed in such a fashion. Kelp plowed on regardless, but in a more subversive tone. "Why do you want to check on the mudboy, Artemis? Couldn't Foaly just use the cameras, or something? And why do I have to take Grub with me? He'll spend the whole time telling his only war story, about the human Butler! Shouldn't I be taking Holly? She knows them both better than I do..." Trouble trailed off when he saw the furiously blank look on Root's face. Trouble Kelp knew when something was dangerous, and took a step back.

"FOALY!" Roared Root, blocking the door in case the centaur tried to escape (Root was very sure of himself when angry). "What's going on!" To save time, Foaly started at the beginning.

"See, the scanners picked up something... So I thought... I'd rather send Holly, but she's been ill... I would have told you, sir, but you wouldn't have let him go." If no-one has guessed, I just put in bits of what he said, because I'm a lazy author and writing it all out would be boring for the readers. Anyway:

After he was finished, Root nodded slowly. "We owe him, don't we?" He sounded extremely depressed by the idea, but as he never dwelt on decisions, he decided it was action time. "Alright, Kelp, go, with the corporal, to check on Artemis Fowl. I don't think Butler would say anything if it wasn't really important."

"But-"

"No Buts! You're going as soon as Foaly has you outfitted. And Foaly, I want you to go check on Short."

"What?"

"You heard me. It's not like the captain to miss work. She came to the office on a day she had to be sent back again after passing out from a fever." Foaly nodded. It _was_ strange of Holly. And she had promised to let him go get her if something happened to do with Artemis.

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Attached to the front doors of Fowl Manor was a very quaint little sign. _Guests Of All Species Welcome._ Trouble was sceptical, but he couldn't stand his brother's whining, so told him to go in.

"This is what you get for always running to mommy." He muttered as Grub obeyed, though the younger brother didn't look happy about it. It took threats to make him walk up the stairs towards the door, and Trouble, standing back, was waiting to see if the sign would work or not, when Butler opened the door and looked at them. He smiled wryly when he saw them.

"Want to play it safe?" He asked lightly. Grub's whimper was as much answer as he needed. "You are both welcome in Fowl Manor. For now." The brothers sighed, walking into the dim light of the main hall.

"So, what's so bad about Artemis that you wanted our help?" Asked Trouble for conversation. "Other than the usual stuff we can't fix." Butler threw a pacient glare over his shoulder, but didn't speak, other than:

"You'll see." Glancing at each other, the fairy siblings shared, for once, a look of puzzlement. And this time Foaly wasn't on the other side of their each pieces and iriscams. He was obeying the commander and checking up on Holly. Butler opened the door into the library, where, last time he checked, Artemis had been reading. He hadn't moved, and was sprawled sideways in a chair, his now prominant ears matching the black of his hair. Butler left the fairies in the doorway, waiting for their reaction.

"I didn't know Artemis Fowl liked Tokyo Mew Mew." Said a surprised Grub. Trouble glanced at his brother in a confused way, so missed when Artemis's ears twitched, the only sign he was listening.

"Tokyo...?"

"Tokyo Mew Mew. There's also Tokyo Mew Mew A La Mode. It's a human cartoon, and the main characters are girls with cat ears. They all wear maid outfits, I think. Artemis must really be into it. Funny, I never thought he would be."

"Grub, why are you watching human cartoons about female human maids with cat ears?" The tone of Trouble's voice was dark, even in the whisper they were using so as not to be overheard by Artemis, who didn't seem to have noticed them.

"I, ah, well-"

"Are you two going to keep talking, or come in?" Called an irritated Artemis. They both gave a start when they saw him gazing at them with bright blue eyes. He had looked so wrapped up in the book. "And I have never heard of Mew Mew... Whatever it was you said. This book is more interesting then your nonsensical gibberish, but as my name was mentioned, it seemed prudent to listen."

"You heard us?" Said Trouble, at the same time that his brother said:

"Then what's with the ears?" That sparked a wry smile on Artemis's face.

"Butler," He called to the manservant, who was flicking through a Guns and Ammo magazine. He looked as if he knew what was coming. "You mentioned something, it seems, but our guests have no idea why they are here. That said, neither do I."

"Butler said there was something wrong with you, so Foaly sent us to check up." Said Grub proudly. Artemis nodded, looking mock thoughtful, though Grub didn't seem to notice the 'mock' part.

"Hmm, interesting. Tell me, have you seen Holly lately?" Both Kelps seemed surprised by the question.

"Maybe." Said Trouble slowly. "And maybe we'll answer if you tell us why your pal Butler thinks you were sick enough to need fairy help." This time the wry smile morphed into Artemis's dark, sadistic grin.

"What makes you think I 'was' sick? That I'm fine now?" He vaulted from his chair, tail swinging behind him. Trouble blinked, but Artemis ignored it. "There is more than one kind of sickness, by the way. And I'm afraid that I, using a slightly childish phrase, 'asked you first'. Perhaps I'll answer you when you answer me."

Trouble had, by now, figured out there was little point even trying to argue, and put energy into making his little brother stop gaping at the mud boy, who seemed as oblivious of the look as he was of the black tail that Grub was staring at. "Alright." He sighed. "No, we haven't seen Holly for a while. She's been sick since last week, and the last we heard was the Foaly was going to go check up on her. That was the day before yesterday, when we got the message from the big man." A nod was directed at Butler, who nodded back. "Now it's your turn. What's wrong with you?" The vampire smile was still in place, Artemis was standing almost before them, and with the hight he looked extremely imposing. Trouble would have taken a step back if it wouldn't have taken a huge notch from his self-respect.

"I guess that's fair." He said slowly. He put a hand to his head, flattening and parting the hair around the strange black cat's ears. When done, he fell to one knee, head down. When neither moved, he looked up amusment and anoyance sparking in his eyes. Hey, were his eyes shaped right? "Look. The ears." Trouble obeyed, moving forward a step in front of Grub. It took five seconds for him to gasp. Grub gave a strangled yelp and jumped back. Artemis looked up. "Hmm. Not so funny now, is it?" He stood and turned, causing another yelp from Grub when the fairy saw the undulating black tail. "Bu- We were hoping that magic might be able to help me." He said lightly, returning to his chair and sitting angled, in a way Trouble assumed was to keep his tail from getting sat on. Grub just stared at him, horrified, and Artemis stared back unblinking, taking a deep drinking from a mug on a nearby coffee table. "Would either of you like to sit down?" Asked the boy courtiously, gesturing at various chairs around the well stocked library. "You might as well, before one of you passes out."

"But you're part cat!"

"Shut up Grub!"

"No, it's true, I seem to be. Now, please, I'm being a terrible host. Would you like anything? Something to eat, something to drink, or a cross between the two?" He held up his own cup. "The cream is excellent, but that might not be the human part of me talking."


	4. Enter Holly

_**Disclaimer: I'm too tired to think up anything good, so I don't own Artemis Fowl. But if I ever meet Eion Colfer, I'll try my hardest to get into his Will. No, that's cruel, but it's better than forging the Will, which is what Artemis would do. To... own himself. Okay, brain melting.**_

**Chapter 3 Holly, It Took You Long Enough**

"Holly? It's Foaly, can I come in?"

"Foaly! No, um, it's, I'm contagious, you can't come in."

"Holly, if it's that bad, shouldn't you go see a warlock or something?"

"No, I can handle myself. I just don't want you to catch it."

"You don't sound sick."

"I know, but I am."

"Okay, call me when you're feeling better."

"I will, thanks Foaly, sorry I can't let you in." Holly sounded apologetic, and Foaly sounded saddened, but both were lying. Holly, because she didn't want anyone near her, since her tail had reached her shoulders, and her ears had gotten bigger, and tufted with pale orange. Foaly was lying because he knew where the spare key was hidden, and wanted to know if Holly was alright. Especially after getting to her apartment, which was _not_ centaur-friendly. He grabbed the key, turned the knob slowly and tried to sneak in. This didn't work that well because having four hooves click on the wooden floor wasn't great for stealth. The main reason so few centaurs were in active police work. Holly stiffened when she heard the sound, and hid in the kitchen where she had been getting a drink of water. Milk would have been preferable, but moo juice wasn't cheap, and there had only been a little left when Holly had refused to leave the house. The jug was now empty, leaving Holly in an extremely annoyed state. That one of her best friends just broken into her apartment didn't help things.

"Foaly! What do you think you're doing!" She screamed, glaring at the centaur from behind the kitchen counter.

"Checking on you." He replied with a laugh. "Julius told me to. Now what are you doing?"

"It's really bad Foaly, stay back." Said Holly faintly, forgeting, for the moment, that by looking at her friend from over the kitchen counter her ears were clearly visible. "I'm really contagious." Foaly folded his arms, looking sceptical.

"You should be in hospital if it's that bad." He turned his head to one side, trying to see something. "And what's with the ears? They look really weird. Suit you, though. Hey- what?" At the word 'ears' Holly yelped and ducked further under the table. "Holly?" Foaly was getting a little worried. "What is it?"

Hiding from Foaly wouldn't work. The damn centaur was too good at figuring things out. "Promise you won't freak out?" Asked Holly weakly, sounding just like a teenager confessing the destruction of a car, or loosing Mom's jewelry. Foaly raised an eyebrow at the tone, looking at the space Holly's face would have been if she wasn't ducking beneath the counter. With a sigh akin to that of Artemis's when he had walked out to Butler, Holly stood, watching Foaly carefully for his reaction. He blinked, but nothing more. Holly had an inkling why. "If it helps, I'm not going to a fancy dress party later." She said dryly. Foaly stared at her.

"Explain."

It hadn't been easy, but after the explanation, Foaly had convinced Holly to come down to his lab. It had taken a while, and finally Foaly had found a hat that his friend had been given one Christmas, and a great coat that she had found in a flea market and thought was amusing. So, ears hidden beneath a rough beanie and tail hidden in the grey-brown folds of the coat, they went to the police plaza. They didn't have the time to do any research, though, because after Foaly had spent about five minutes intently studying Holly's tail, a message from Trouble appeared on screen.

"Hmm," Began Foaly. "He won't explain over 'insecure lines' but seems I'm need at the house of our favourite mudboy." He looked at Holly. "But while I'm there, what to do with you? I couldn't take a kitten-fairy with me." Holly folded her arms and glared at him, but was mildly amazed at his stupidity.

"Foaly, did it occur to you that since that chemical spill involved not just me but Artemis, he might be the same as me? And that that's what Kelp's talking about?" Foaly blinked.

"Of course. That was stupid of me."

"Very."

"Shut up, Holly. Now, not a word to Root about crossing species, right?"

"Definately."

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The shuttle to the surface was a strange trip, but that was probably because Foaly spent most of the trip treating Holly like a science project. Then, Holly in her recon uniform with a slash cut out for her tail, they both very carefully walked through the front door of Fowl Manor. Foaly didn't need permission to enter as centaurs didn't have magic. Over the top of the uniform was Holly's great coat, and the beanie still hid her ears, for the slim chance that nothing had happened to the mudboy. She really didn't want to be treated like a science experiment, especially not by him. He was good at making her feel that way _anyway_.

"Hello?" She called into the silent hallway. Neither fairy nor centaur really knew where they were going, but walked down the main hall while being watched by generations of Fowls. The first time she had seen them, Holly had been ready to burn up all the portraits. "Hello?" The second try got a result, as Artemis's voice echoed back to them.

"Holly, ah, Captain Short, and Foaly." He called, coming around a corner at the end of the hallway. "As good as it is to see you both, I blame the Kelp brothers for your coming." Artemis either didn't notice the swinging white tipped tail and satiny ears or he was used to them. Foaly decided to broach the subject first.

"Hey Artemis. Listen, Trouble wouldn't say what this was about, but I think I have a vague idea..." Foaly trailed off, hoping Artemis would join some of the dots. Being Artemis, he looked as though he had already joined all the dots, coloured in the picture, and moved onto the next puzzle, hypothetically speaking. Therefore, he ignored the centaur's question and turned to Holly.

"Captain." He said coolly. "I don't blame you for staying so well covered, as the younger one, Grub, refuses to stop staring at me, and I've given up sudden movements, which cause him to flinch. But as this is my home, I refuse to hide my nature, or what my nature is becoming, for two fairies, no insult intended. I simply ask whether you will cause yourself discomfort for the same reasons." Finishing his speech, Artemis turned on his heel and began walking briskly back the way he had come, his black tail flicking behind him. Reaching the end of the hall, he turned, glancing back at them. "Now would you care to follow me to the drawing room? The Captain and Corporal have been waiting for you, or Foaly at any rate, and watching me, naturally." Holly and Foaly set off behind them, Foaly wondering how Artemis could take the aquiry of cats' ears and a tail in his stride, while Holly was deciding whether or not to take his advice.

"Hoaly! Folly!" Unsure who to be happy to see first, the names ended up jumbled, but the general welcome was clear. Artemis, hiding a slight smile, curled up in a chair picking up a book and a glass filled with something white, took a swallow, and returned to his reading. "Holly, it's great to see you!" Gushed Grub, strangely delighted to see her. _Probably just happy to have more of his own kind up here._ Thought Holly darkly.

"We wanted to get Foaly up here because, well." Trouble glanced guiltily at Artemis, who wasn't looking at them, but his ears were angled towards them slightly. "You saw. He told us about some chemical spill, and how he got caught in it, typical mudman stupidity, but Foaly's the scientist, so we wanted him to help. I thought you were sick, Holly. How'd you end up here?"

Holly sighed, the time to spill her guts had aparently arrived. "Did Artemis mention that I was there, at the 'chemical spill?'" She asked softly. This time there was no missing it. At the mention of his name, Artemis's ears twitched, perked up as if they had a mind of their own, while his eyes remained focused on the printed words.

Trouble just glanced from Artemis back to Holly, surprised. "No, he didn't." Holly couldn't help but find that sweet, letting her explain her own things in her own time.

"Well." Continued Holly, not liking the situation but plowing through it. "Then he won't have mentioned that I got as badly drenched as he did." Trouble and Grub stared at her while Artemis merely looked up curiously. Lifting a hand, Holly pulled off her beanie, her stripped auburn ears bouncing up from the uncomfortable position. Then off came the coat, showing off the long, plume-like stripped orange tail, wavering behind her. Grub screeched, as Grub would, and Trouble stared, taking a step back. Holly could have sworn that Artemis mumbled 'pretty', but it was such an unArtemis like thing to say that she ignored it. She didn't ignore his next words, though.

"There, isn't that better?" He crooned in an annoying way. "I couldn't stand walking through the manor with my tail hidden, letting it move was pure bliss. Is there anything either of you would like to eat or drink?" An abrupt subject change, but it hit right on the money. Foaly and Holly had left the police plaza in a hurry, so they were both starving.

"Definately- wait, I will, if you're not making it mudboy, I remember what Mulch said about your last sandwich." Foaly grinned cheekily as he spoke, happy to tease the boy in anyway possible. Artemis grimaced, then smiled paciently.

"Oh don't worry. Service was never my calling, and anyway," His look turned slightly bitter. "Aren't you worried about _hairs_?" Holly winced, that was cruel, even said by one's self. But Foaly didn't seem put out.

"'Fraid not, Arty, 'fraid not. It'll take more than that to scare me away. And what is there to eat, anyway?" Artemis shrugged, putting the book back to rest on a coffee table and taking another sip from his glass, licking the remainder off his upper lip. Still holding the glass, he stood in a liquid movement.

"I'm honestly not sure. I know there's caviar, and pure buttermilk, and tuna, and a little cream, though I may have almost cleaned that out during the week." Cream, was that what he was drinking? "Feel free to raid the refridgerator, as the food bill can be stretched quite far." That said, he proceeded to sit back on the arm of the chair and drain his cup. The consistancy meant that the rim and walls of the glass were still white, but he used his fingers to scrape out the rest, then delicately licked his fingers. As both Holly and Foaly stared at him he gazed steadily back as if nothing was out of the ordinary, his tail swaying slowly behind him. "If you're hungry." He said softly, rising from the chair arm and moving towards what was probably the kitchen. From the times Holly had been in Fowl Manor, she had never been in the kitchen, so she could only assume that was his direction.

Holly shook her head. "That can't be good." Trouble glanced back at her. He had been looking at Artemis.

"This just keeps getting worse." He shook his head. "Houston, we have two cat people. This shouldn't even be possible." Foaly shrugged.

"We could call you both evolutionary marvels." He said optimistically. "Wonders of the future." Holly glared.

"Why don't you paint that on the side of your traveling wagon. Then people can go 'look, the future' before pelting us with rotten vegetables." Foaly chuckled at his friend, whose tail had begun flicking back and forth in agitation, and she hadn't seemed to notice.

"Don't be so melodramatic Holly," He smiled. "This is mud technology. I'll be able to fix it in no time. They'll be some study involved though. And you, you can handle it. I don't know if the mudboy will react well to being poked and proded like a lab animal." Holly laughed at that, imagining Artemis's face.

"Revenge on all those make-up wearing cats, I guess." She chuckled. Imagining Artemis's face _covered with smudged lip stick and eyeshadow._ The thought made her crack up, and she was howling with laughter, along with Trouble and Foaly, when Butler walked in. He eyed them, then Grub, who hadn't got it, and shook his head. He was even polite enough to wait a few minutes till the hysteria subsided.

"Where's Artemis?" He asked in his deep, quiet voice.

"In the kitchen." Gasped Holly, clutching her sides. Butler nodded, turned, and left. "Hey wait!" Butler stopped to look at Holly, who looked more serious despite clutching the back of a chair for support. "Mind if we come? I'm starving and Artemis said we could pig out." Butler nodded with a smile.

"Of course. Do you know the way?"

"Not quite."

"Then just follow me."

Holly, Foaly and Grub followed Butler, Trouble claiming he had to 'document recent events' for Commander Root. The documents had also been for Foaly, but since he was there too, Trouble didn't have to mention his name when explaining things. Grub had said he wanted a glass of water and aspirin, and Holly had barely refrained from asking why on earth he had been sent on a mission involving Artemis Fowl in the first place.

"Butler?" Squeaked Grub as the group filed down another hallway. "Do you remember that day, a few years ago, when you took down that fairy squad?" Holly and Foaly both winced when Grub brought it up. When Butler nodded, she felt like hitting something. Fowl was in the kitchen, he would do. "So you remember how I was the only one left." Grub continued blithly.

Butler nodded. "Yes, Master Artemis said scared is better than dead, and what's more frightening having all your team mates incapacitated by one man?" Holly smiled and Grub's whimper, tail flicking happily. "Why do you ask?"

"Um, I was just wondering about it..." Grub trailed off miserably, but that conversation would probably be edited out of the next 'Butler vs Grub' retelling. Grub would probally make Butler a few inches taller to make up for it. The house, despite it's long, winding corridors, was surprisingly easy to negotiate, and they reached the kitchen quickly, though it would probably have taken longer without a guide.

There they found Artemis, sitting on the kitchen counter and staring absently throught the window, a glass of what looked like water in his hand.

"Finally laying off the cream?" Asked Holly. He turned to gaze at them, and Holly noticed his pupils were more... vertical than usual. He looked peacful though.

"Not by choice. There is no cream left, and despite the delectable buttermilk, now that there are two of us in the house, I should being exercising my self-restraint." That was nice of him. He gestured at the kitchen at large. "I said it before: have anything you want, the dent it will make in the food bill couldn't be found by the Hubble telescope." Shrugging, Holly opened the fridge door to find a heavy looking jug filled with something white with a hint of warm yellow covered with glad wrap. It looked... Mmm.

Thoughtlessly she took it out of the fridge, placed it on the counter right by Artemis, and turned to get a cup. Turning back, she saw he was looking at it like it was a work of art he was going to steal. A loud clunk of glass on marble broke his revorie, making him look unsure of whether to be annoyed at her or not. When she lifted the glad wrap from the jug, he just took a deep breath and turned back to the window.

"Artemis?" Asked Butler, who had been taking salad orders from Foaly. "I got a call from your parents." Artemis visibly straightened. Back taut, tail straight, ears sharp. He turned.

"Yes? What did they say?"

"Your mother said she won't be back soon, because your father is still in critical condition." Artemis nodded, glancing at the fairies.

"With our current guests, I think that's for the best. Don't you agree?"

"With _your_ current state, it's all for the best." Added Foaly, mimicking Artemis and making his frown, taking a gulp of water.

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_**Another chapter gone, review Review REVIEW! Please, it gives me inspiration and fends of writer's block knowing people like my story enough to say something! If I don't get a message, I'll stop writing from sadness. Even flames are- well, they aren't welcome, but I'd keep writing just to annoy that person. Please review!**_


	5. Mulch Makes Martinis

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl, or Cat Woman, who recieves a brief mention, due to her having a line or two I love. I steal her lines in this chapter, but as I haven't watched the movie in ages (no plot line and horrible camera work) that will only happen occasionally. Tell me if you pick out the words.**_

_**Okkaayy. Just for the record, Mulch has no idea that the mind wipes didn't go ahead. The reason they didn't go ahead in the first place is the last moment realisation that by mind wiping him, they would be destroying the newfound goodness in Artemis. That is so lame, yes, but it's all I've got for short notice.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

**Chapter 4 The Group Gets A Bartender**

Artemis stopped at a wooden door like all the others, this one on the top floor of Fowl manor. "Here you are. My rooms are at the end of the hall, though I doubt you didn't already know that, so if you need anything, please ask. Though I would appretiate if you knocked first." Holly nodded. That was kind of obvious anyway. After a stylish dinner from Butler which everyone pronounced delicious, an unspoken rule said that the stresses of the day made it bed time. A good thing for both Holly and Artemis because both were, for some unfathomable reason, exhausted. Artemis had then shown Holly and Foaly where the Kelp brothers were sleeping, two elegant rooms side by side with a conjoined door, and Holly couldn't help but think there was a reason for that, and one other than the excuse of 'In case you wish to discuss anything'. But that might have been due to the vindictive way his tail was flicking. Though how Holly knew that, she couldn't guess.

After the siblings had gone to their separate rooms, (Artemis had paused for a moment, the door slightly open, and they had heard the conjoined door open then close within the room. A smirking Artemis had then closed the door.) the remaining four had moved on, Foaly being directed to a large, open sitting room on the ground floor, Butler to his own room, and Holly to a room on the top floor. At that was where they both stood, as Artemis pushed the door open. Looking in, Holly was amazed.

"This place is bigger than my apartment!" She gasped. Artemis looked amused.

"The kitchen is bigger than this room, yet you didn't say that in there." He made that sound like a question. Holly grimaced walking in.

"Yeah, but that's the kitchen. Kitchens are the bigger the better, and probally the more hygentic. But this, this room is unbelievable." She turned, about to say something else, when she noticed Artemis was still standing in the doorway, leaning casually against the frame. "What's in here?" She said shrewdly. Artemis looked at her quizzically. "Why haven't you walked in?" That made him smile. Or the Artemis equivalent, which was the slightest lift at the corner of his lips.

"Why, it would be rude, off course." He said simply. Holly stared at him. "One of the few things father drummed into me was manners. There's much less chance to be caught doing something you aren't supposed to if everyone sees you as a gentleman." Holly laughed.

"That would've been true a hundred years ago. These days it's almost impossible to find a so-called 'gentleman' so if you do, you can assume he's up to something. Besides, even if it did work, it won't on me. You kidnap a girl, she stops trusting you. Even if you're a perfect gentleman."

"Unless you're in a James Bond movie." Added Artemis. Holly looked surprised.

"_You've_ seen James Bond?"

"Holly, please, what year is it? Everyone has seen James Bond. I was forced into it by mother and Juliet, who, for some absurd reason, decided to show the similarities between myself and that idiot spy." Holly burst out laughing.

"Notice anything?" She grinned. She got a glare for a reply.

"Goodnight Holly."

"Heh heh heh... Don't be so sullen, young spy, or gentleman, or kitten. Nighty-night James." Another glare, but it was less than the first, and hinted with amusment. "See you tomorrow."

With a nod, Artemis left the room, closing the door behind him, and ran his fingers through his hair. It was becoming a habit, and he had a bad feeling it was to do with feline emotion. It was only a matter of time before he licked his hand then ran it through his hair. The horror.

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Looking at the thin gold disk, Mulch wondered. Wondered about the mudboy and how he was doing without his memory. It had been a strange, short farewell, and the only thing the dwarf had gotten out of the deal was the damn medallion. Still, it was a good reminder of old times. Mulch missed his life of crime, though, since he was laying low for a while. Mmm. It had been a while, maybe it was time to drop in and restore his memory. Who was Mulch kidding? He just wanted to do something interesting, and having the mudboy suffer sudden total recall would be fun.

Hiding out in Manchester was boring, so with a five finger discount of some diamonds, he pawned the lot, bought aeroplane tickets, and hired a car in dublin after throwing up in the plane bathroom. He hated flying. Loathed it.

The gates of Fowl Manor were looming before him quickly, mostly due to Mulch's reckless driving, and he punched into the intercom. "Yes?" Came Butler's voice.

"Hey, uh, hello." Began Mulch carefully. Couldn't blow the surprise, he had to sound like someone who actually wanted to talk to Artemis Fowl the Second. "I'm, uh-" Might as well use an old one. "Moe Diggence. I'm here to see Master Artemis Fowl junior." He could have sworn he heard a chuckle.

"Ah yes, Mr Diggence. Please come in." Did he sound amused? Mulch shook his head, that couldn't be it. He felt confident as he walked through the wrought iron gates. The door opened before he reached it, and Butler smiled at him. "Hello Mulch." Mulch stared.

"What? You were meant to be mindwiped!" He gasped. Butler shrugged.

"It's a long story. Is that Artemis's medallion?" He pointed at the glint of gold in the dwarf's fist.

"Oh, yeah, how's Arty?" The shock was leaving Mulch slightly brain dead. Maybe the mudboy's clear cut gibberish would clear his head.

"He is, well... Come in. Holly, Foaly, Trouble, and Grub Kelp are all here. In one of the lounge rooms I think, though last time I checked Holly and Trouble were playing chess, and Artemis was asleep."

"Why are _they_ here!" Shouted Mulch, losing it slightly. Butler grimaced.

"You'll see, just don't scream." Feeling apprehensive, Mulch followed behind the bigger man into an open room, where, as promised, were the named fairies, centaur, but he couldn't see Artemis. They all looked up, and Trouble laughed.

"Well, with Mulch here, the team's all assembled. I'd say hi, but Butler, you gotta see this." He was grinning broadly. And put a finger to his lips and everyone went silent, grinning. Holly was wearing weird cat ears, but in the huge arm chair she sat in she wasn't visible below the chest. Listen, Mulch stared.

"Did you get a cat?" He asked, as he listened to the low rumbling pur.

"It's Artemis." Grinned Holly, nodding at another a chair, were a curling tail was visible over the arm. Mulch and Butler snuck over to the chair, and Mulch had to muffle a laugh. Eyes closed, Artemis was curled tightly in the armchair, large black ears lying close to his head. Lips slightly parted, he was deeply asleep, and purring loudly. Glancing at Butler, Mulch saw shock. And, despite himself, Mulch couldn't help it. Before anyone had a chance to stop him, he crouched close to where the mudboy's ears should be, yet they were completely covered with his hair, and shouted, at the top of his lungs.

"WAKE UP MUDBOY, BEFORE I ROB YOU!" Artemis literally leapt from the chair, landing a meter away on all fours with a horrified, inhuman yelp. Wild eyed and gasping, he stared as everyone else in the room colapsed into laughter.

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Severly shaken but determined not to show it, Artemis stood, straightened his jacket, and ignoring his flickering, angry tail, sat down regally, the others still laughing. Licking his hands, he ran them back over his sensitive ears, a movement he repeated six times, shaking his head to stop the ringing. _That hurt_. He thought to himself, licking his hands once more and smoothing the soft fur on his ears.

"You realise, Mulch, that you will pay dearly when he least expect it." Said Artemis in a cold, dangerous voice. Mulch chuckled, then leaned forward and tugged Artemis's ears, making the mudboy growl, deep in his throat.

"Ya know, these look really real, Arty boy." He said, grinning at the hostility Artemis was showing. It was a rare show of emotion for him and Artemis had just realised the grooming might become an obsessive habit if he didn't begin checking on it. "Are they for a costume party, or are you trying to match Holly?" Artemis pulled his head as far away from Mulch as possible.

"My dear Mulch." He replied, still in that cold flat voice. "I am afraid that you are blind if you think these," Being mentioned, his ears visibly twitched, flicking up briefly from their place laying back against his head, a clear sign of surpressed fury for all those who know cats. "If you think _these_ are fake. They are as real as the rest of me, including my tail." Mulch blanched beneath his beard.

"Real? _Tail_!"

"Oh yes. Due to a, well, I don't want to explain it, but due to an accident, Holly Short and myself are going through physical, and for all I know psychological, changes. Namely, we are both slowly growing feline appendages."

"Speak english, Artemis."

"We are turning into cats, Mulch. That, or we will simply grow tails and cat ears then go prancing around the may pole." The anger was now plausible in his voice, and he hadn't noticed that Butler and Foaly had left the room. Mulch turned around, walked to and opened the liquor cabinet across the room, poured himself _something_, and relaxed. He was even able to go back to teasing Artemis.

Rifling through the cabinet, he looked over his shoulder and grinned at Artemis. "Anything I can get you, Arty?" He taunted.

Artemis replied with a pacient smile, his ears flicking upward as his anger ebbed. "Why not. I'll take a white Russian, hold the ice, hold the vodka, hold the coffee liqueur."

Mulch blinked, giving the youth a completely blank look. "What does that make?"

"Cream, Mulch. That makes cream."

Holly looked up from her game with Trouble at the mention of cream. "What was that? Oh, I'll take one too, but keep the vodka."

"I heard vodka." Called Foaly, trotting into the dinning room with Butler. The centaur held his laptop. "And I like the sound of it. I'll have whatever they're having." Holly grinned at him.

"White Russains, I think. It was ice, um, coffee something, coffee liqueur, vodka, and cream."

"Sweet. I'll take one, hold the cream. Mulch, thanks for taking on bartending duties. Now chop chop, they won't make themselves." Butler looked cautiously at Artemis, who put his hands up in defense.

"_She's_ having vodka. I'm just having cream. Don't worry Butler, I see no point in alcohol anyway." Holly glared at him.

"Who's she, the cat's mother?"

"No, but if we don't get futher in finding an antidote she may be the cat."

"Why you- Mulch, can we get some drinks before I kill Artemis?"

Mulch groaned, obviously not prepared for what the comment had evolved into, then paused. "Wait. Holly's a cat too, right?"

"Yep."

"Then why is she having vodka?"

"Because if you don't mix the drink, I'll make you wish you were dead. Get moving, dwarf!"

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_**That's chapter 4. I hope you like it. Please review, I need to know what I did right and what I did wrong. Are we glad Mulch is involved too?**_


	6. Damn Feline Instincts

_**Disclaimer: The only parts of Artemis Fowl I own at the moment are his and Holly's ears and tails. When they grow whiskers, I'll own them too, but the bulk and attitude of Artemis and company are Eoin Colfer's.**_

_**Despite the fact I have now read The Lost Colony, It will not affect my story, and no characters introduced in that story will be involved in this one. In fact, this story is kinda messed up, as it's before the Opal Deception, but not only does Artemis have his memories, but Root still lives. Despite those things, Sool will be involved for a more close-to-home, not-so-evil bad guy. Meaning, he's bad, but not the driving evil force in the story. Thank you for listening to my ramble.**_

**Chapter 5 Damn feline instincts**

Despite his anger at the dwarf, Artemis had spent all afternoon staring at him discreetly and had just figured out why. Mulch had been going to use Artemis's medallion to help return his memories, and had then forgotten about it, so kept moving it from hand to hand, in his pocket and out again. Maybe it had something to do with fairy gold, but no matter what happened to the fine gold disk, it was extremely shiny and refracted light beautifully; therefore, Artemis was facinated by it. The fact he had worn it around his neck for a year didn't change it's status even a little, even adding to the allure by the fact it was his, he just wasn't holding it. Everything had been shinier than ususal that day, and Artemis was becoming worried that his love of gold had morphed into a love of shiny things as his brain changed. Considering the amount of rare objects he owned, it would seem strange for him to sit and stare at them for any long amount of time. Well, strange compared to normal things. Growing a flickering cat tail that now reached above his head when straight but tended to curl at eye level was a little worse than staring at the lustor on certain objects.

Though neither, in retrospect, were really any good.

"So, Mulch," Began Artemis in a carefully casual tone as night began to fall outside the manor windows. Butler had turned on the lights, though to his eyes, Artemis saw no difference between the gloom and the light. "What were you going to do once you found me? Though no doubt impressive, you alone are not enough for recall, at least I doubt it."

"Well." Thought the dwarf thoughtfully, flicking the coin in the air and catching it, holding it up to the light by it's thread, a movement which delighted Artemis, though he didn't show it. "I thought this thing might help. Not very glizty, but it's special, and the picture, at least the part Holly didn't blow a hole through, isn't human." He grimaced. "It might have done something, maybe. So, you want it back?" Artemis nodded absently.

"Yes, if you don't mind. It does feel special." His voice was carefully arranged to sound careless, his hand held out slowly and loosely, but when Mulch dropped the coin into his hand, Artemis couldn't help but snatch it out of the air, holding it up to the light. It glittered in the setting light, and the simple sight almost made him purr, but Artemis forced the sound back down his throat. It was becoming a regular occurance that anything that made him happy made him purr, but he wouldn't let it. At least no-one had heard him, he thought to himself.

"Dinner." Called Butler, and since they had all been sitting in the dining room anyway, took the seats they had been sitting in and tucked them into the table, Artemis between Mulch and Grub, much to the amusment of Holly, tail flicking with laughter, while she sat beside Trouble, Foaly given his own higher table, with apologies. It was beautiful meal, though Mulch was given a bucket of beatles and and rich dirt in the garden, so sat a distance away down the long table, the others clustered together. Artemis was glad of this, not because he disliked Mulch in any way, but because being trapped next to Grub Kelp would have been a horrifying experience.

"So," Said Foaly half way through a mostly silent meal. "I've been thinking about it, looked up some stuff on cats, and think you most need a physical." Artemis dropped his fork. Holly choked on a mouthful before staring at Foaly.

"You've got to be kidding." She sounded as if Foaly admitting insanity would have been preferable.

"I kid about a lot of things, but this isn't one of them." He said seriously. "We need to figure out what's happening."

"Then how about a blood sample?" Asked Artemis logically. "Wouldn't that help more than seeing if the ears and tails are actually attached? I promise you, they are."

"I'll need a blood sample from both of you." Replied Foaly. "I've been looking up information on cat physiology, so I want to see if you react like, um, _normal_ cats, not a more fairy, or human, mindframe."

"What?" Asked Holly, frowning.

"He's going to poke you, then if you swear at him you're still Holly, and if you meow you're cat-girl." Elaborated Trouble. Artemis rolled his eyes at the three fairies.

"My, aren't we feeling eloquent today." He drawled, his tail curling backwards over the back of the chair. His eyes weren't following them, though. He had been watching a single fly zoom around the room, and it was driving him insane. The others hadn't noticed it, though.

"What's up with you?" Asked Trouble. The fly was getting closer, closer... "I mean, we're trying to make the best of-" Thwack. Artemis had lifted his hand as the fly was nearing, not hearing a word Trouble said, when it had neared, and instinct made him bring the hand down to the table as they fly flew beneath it. They stared at him as Artemis sighed in relief.

"I'm sorry, that fly has been distracting me all evening." He said simply, then stood. "I need to go wash my hands now." And left.

"Ewww!" Moaned Grub, staring the stain on the table. "That's really gross!"

"Quick, though." Said Foaly. "Not-quite-human quick." They glanced at each other, Trouble finally speaking.

"Wait, why didn't Holly notice?" Holly grinned, her tufted orange ears flicking.

"Oh, I noticed, it just didn't bother me."

"And can you two even eat this? Shouldn't cats eat fish?"

"That's just stupid, cats can eat anything people eat, and it's healthy. I guess fish is just preferable."

-------------------------------

It was later evening, and Artemis was sitting as far away from Foaly as humanly possible while spinning his gold coin. No-one had noticed his on going fascination with the shiny O, but he snatched it out of the air and into his pocket when someone looked at him. Holly, meanwhile, was fidgeting on a long leather sofa. This was one of the few televison rooms, and had the sofa and more leather arm chairs around a plasma screen television that Artemis watched on very rare occasions, or when forced into watching a movie with his parents. The only thing that made it bearable was being _with his parents_, and the occasional amusing stuff-up in the film plot.

Mulch had put on Lord Of The Rings, and Artemis was cursing both Peter Jackson and the landmass of NewZealand as Legolas haughtily swished his blonde pony tail. Foaly was playing with his computer, and the webcam was on so he could record his 'findings'. That was the most basic reason Artemis sat so far from the centaur, and Holly fidgited, glaring at Artemis for his cowardice.

"What happened to gentlemanly courage?" She snapped at him. He merely looked at her with the flat look only cats can achieve.

"I am being a gentleman." He replied, gesturing at her. "Ladies first." Mulch snickered. Holly would have lunged at him if Foaly hadn't called her name, forcing her to turn and face the scientist, tail flailing violently.

"Now." He said slowly, all heads swiveling to face him as orc growls and the clashing of swords was heard in the background. "Holly, are you sure you don't mind?" She shook her head, mumbling something about 'scientific merit'. Her tail's rapid motions and her ears, lying flat against her head, showed the lie if anyone but Artemis had any knowlegde of cats. "Now tell me if it hurts." He said as, pulling her head towards him, he moved her hair to see if the ears weren't one big practical joke cooked up by her and Artemis. From the look of things, it wasn't. Moving thumb and forefinger along the connection of ear and scalp, he moved across a spot, which made Holly fall back against the back of the sofa, purring. Foaly pulled his hand back, and she stopped, staring at him in shock.

"What did you/I do?" They asked together. (Foaly said 'I') The others, besides Frodo, were speechless. Foaly, after biting his lip, moved his hand back to the spot, trying to figure out what had done that to Holly. At the same time he came in contact with her scalp, she began purring again, almost colapsing. She was helpless, it seemed, whenever someone did that. After four tests Holly began getting testy so Foaly stopped, his conclusion being that: "Being scratched behind the ears is kinda like physical morphine." They stared at him, and he nodded. "Yep, strange, but I think a few cat-like things are worse for our halfling friends than normal cats-"

"Did you just call me a halfling?" Interupped Artemis, who looked insulted, his own ears lying flat against his head.

"It's that damn Lord of the Rings. Anyway, Holly, did that hurt, or did you just pass out, or... what?"

"Well, it was... nice, I guess." Said Holly slowly. "Like a massage, just extreme." Foaly nodded, then grinned. "What are you so happy about?" Grumbled Holly. It was depressing knowing that such a small thing left her utterly helpless.

"I wonder if it works the same for Artemis." Wondered Foaly, still grinning. The others smiled nastily as all the colour drained from the boy's face.

"I'm sure it does." He said quickly. "There's no need to test me, why should there be a difference?" Before anyone got a chance to point out the obvious and call Artemis a wuss, Holly stood, walked over to him, grabbed his wavering tail and dragged him onto the other sofa, the boy biting his lip to keep from meowing in pain.

"If _I_ put up with it _you_ have to." She said darkly, the hurt look on Artemis's face did nothing to change her opinion.

"Alright." He growled at her, their faces very close together as the glared. Up close he noticed her, and therefore his, face was covered with a thin colourless layer of peach fuzz, which wasn't promising. He took a proper seat beside Foaly, tipping his head at an angle. If something had to be done, it might as well be done right.

"Good kitty." Cooed Foaly, grabbing Artemis's head before the boy could snarl at him. Artemis contented himself with hissing quietly but sat still for the proding. In moments, the exact same thing happened. His eyes widened and the strangest feeling of lethargy came over him, making him fall against the sofa back, purring uncontrolably. He sat up, shaking his head, when the lethargy disappeared. Foaly was grinning.

"Looks like it works with you too, mudboy."

"Of course it does." Snapped Artemis, making Foaly mock frown. He ruffled Artemis's not-so-neat-anymore hair, making Artemis feel a shot of lazy bliss slide through his brain and making him bite his lip to keep from purring humiliatingly.

"Now, be good." Cooed Foaly in a babyish voice. "And it's late, so off to bed." Artemis stared at him. The mocknig tone disappeared from the centaur's voice. "Seriously everyone, we need to being figuring out what we're doing. This cat thing won't go away on it's own, and being half awake won't help anyone." Grudgingly they all agreed, though Artemis, and he knew Holly did too, felt completely awake, and had the insane urge to spend the rest of the evening strolling through the garden.

But with the feline ability to sleep about sixteen hours a day, he easily managed a yawn and bidding the others a goodnight, went to his room. Foaly, despite what he said, waited till the rest of the group had gone to their rooms, and pulled back Butler, giving him a list of things to buy at a hardwear store, and to get a computer specifically for the centaur to pull apart. Confused, the manservant agreed to get the centaur's request. Don't pay attention to the smart ones. Just hold onto key words and make sure you don't see Bond tied to a pole when you walk into the basement.

At about midnight Artemis woke, and couldn't go back to sleep. This was the beginning of semi-nocturnal behaviour, he guessed, but waking up in the morning would be hell. Still, he got up, not bothering with a shirt, which was strange, as the weather was getting colder. He flicked his whiskers, sensing the air, giving a start when he realised he had whiskers, and with finger tips was able to feel that they were already long and flickery. Shaking his head he opened a window, and taking a deep breath of cool air decided on a walk. He pulled on a over jacket and tiptoed to the kitchen, where one of the garden doors was situated, not wanting to wake anyone. Though he wasn't overly surprised when he saw Holly in the kitchen, sitting and staring wistfully into the moon light, licking the milk off her lips. He raised an eyebrow none the less.

"Why aren't you outside?" He asked when she nodded that she'd seen him in the darkness.

"This place is locked tight." She drawled, nodding at a key pad beneath the pane of glass on the door. "I have no idea whether an alarm will go off if I touch the door knob." He smiled, acknowledging the obvious truth, and keyed in zero one zero nine for his birthday, the most common code in the house. Holding open the door, he stood back and let Holly pass, making her chuckle when he rejoined her side. She poked him playfully in the chest as they began an absent walk around the garden. "Now you act like a gentleman. Well it's too late, I'm not falling for it." He smiled in return, tail swishing happily.

"I always act like a gentleman, and it's never too late. As for falling for it, there's still time..." Holly mock gasped, lunging at him. Reflex made him dart away, then spin around to go after her when a safe distance away, meaning they spent fifteen minutes chasing each other around the garden in almost silence. Laughing quietly, Artemis slumped against one of the many trees in that part of the garden, Holly giggling beside him.

"Have you ever willingly run before? Just for the fun of it, I mean." She asked curiously when they both had their breath back. He looked at her thoughtfully.

"Not in at least six years." He said softly, surprised.(let's say he's fourteen) Mainly because chasing Holly was incredibally fun, and he couldn't quite figure out why he didn't run more often. Climbing things was fun too. And pouncing. Ah. It seemed that... yes, he was becoming more cat-like. He looked at Holly, who had just blinked. "You just realised you're acting catty, if you'll excuse the term. I feel that we've over used most other descriptions." She nodded, grimacing. He shrugged. "Well, it's late. Race you to the kitchen?" He added the end hopefully, dispite knowing that normal Artemis would never say something like that, and probably wouldn't have had the stamina, either. A fact Holly pointed out, but only after almost losing the race to Artemis.

* * *

**_The birthdate is from TheLostColony. Do you think 01/09 is the _First of September_, or _January the Ninth_? Please be Jan-9, cos that's MY birthday!_**

_**Artemis and Holly will have a few moments like that, and I hope it doesn't end up fluffy. I'll explain more in later chapters, but due to their feline...ness, they will definately act like, well, cats obviously. Mature or kitten, it'll change, but Holly, at least, will be sticking to the breed I thought she would suit while looking up cats.**_


	7. Catnip

_**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Artemis Fowl, I really do, but it wouldn't be half as popular if I had had creative control of the storyline, so it's probably better this way. Still, I own the cat part of Artemis, and for now that'll do.**_

**Chapter 6 Catnip**

**In which the authoress demonstrates her endless knowledge and ability to look stuff up on google.**

Butler left early the next morning for the hardwear store, which he admitted to Artemis, to the annoyance of Foaly. Earlier in the day Artemis and Holly had both noted -though at different times- that the thin level of peach fuzz on their faces and hands was colouring, but still too lightly to figure out what colour they were turning. An educated guess would be marmalade and black.

Everyone was eating when Butler left, though 'breakfast' would be a loose term to use. Artemis had shown Foaly a vegetable patch, and the centaur was munching happily on carrots. Holly and the boy himself were sticking to glasses of milk or cream in the morning, occasionally mixed with sugar or honey. Mulch had discovered an old cigar box, had lit one before Artemis had entered the room, and was sitting and surveying the others like a millionaire. Sadly, his short reign of terror was ended when the boy entered the room.

Instantly Artemis tensed, lifting his head and sniffing the air quickly before staring at Mulch. His tail stopped, then began flicking back and forth violently while his ears were pressed against his skull. Human translation: I am going to hurt you unless you do exactly as I say. Holly noted this immediately and stepped back. Mulch looked up but saw nothing unusual in the face, and blew a puff of smoke at Artemis, grinning.

"What's up, Artemis? Just found these things, your dad must have good taste." Artemis raised an eyebrow, and leaned in close to the dwarf.

"Mulch." He began softly. "How will it look if cigars are missing when my father returns? The price for a single on of those cigars is worth twice as much as your funeral, which, if you continue smoking those, will be sooner than you think. Also, I would rather not be accused of smoking."

"Not my problem, Arty." Grinned Mulch, blowing another puff of smoke into the boy's face. Artemis lifted a hand, revealing sharp claws instead of nails.

"I'll allow this one. But if you _think_ about taking a second I will scar that face of yours, and if you wish to test this, please, exhale once more." When Mulch didn't move, just looked cross eyed at Artemis's fingers. The boy stepped back and shook his head. "That's what I thought." He said more loudly. "I'll be in the kitchen."

Trouble stared at Mulch. "You looked spooked. What did he say?"

"He threatened to scar me." Said a stunned Mulch. Holly stared at him.

"You're kidding."

"Nope. Looked serious, too. Hey, you don't have those claws too, do you?"

Holly checked her hands, looking at the sharp, curved nails on each finger. "'Fraid so. But I don't think I'm quite as... dangerous as Artemis. You'd think he'd be one of those lazy billionaire cats."

The lazy billionaire cat in question was sitting on the kitchen counter drinking milk straight from the carton. A stress relief thing. He had no idea why he felt so pent up, but it wasn't healthy. He felt like... doing something, anything, energetic. Holly, holding an empty glass, strode into the kitchen, glancing at him.

"Got enough there?" She asked drily, looking at the almost empty carton.

"I'm sorry." Grimaced Artemis. "I didn't mean to drink it all." She shrugged.

"Nah, it's all good. Well, other than the whole situation." Her eyes sparkled with the next words. "Still, we get to spend some 'hanging out' time together. That's good." He smiled and nodded, chuckling. "I feel like moving around, you?"

"Anything. I need to stretch my legs." Holly nodded. The cat thing was getting easier to understand. She would wake in the middle of the night, fully awake, in the morning: bleary and irritated, but still fully awake, but the rest of the day was spent relaxing. Artemis looked at the door into the garden. "Where shall I race you?" He asked, trying not to let the hopeful note enter his voice.

"That tree." Replied Holly, pointing through the window. "The maple."

"Have I _ever_ run that far?" Asked Artemis, pouting. He was obviously delighted to move, though, ears sitting straight on his head, and eyes shining. Eyes that were visibly slitted, as were Holly's. In fact, he noticed that while looking at her. "Holly, your eyes are more like a cat's. And... they've turned... Gold." Big, bright, shiny gold. But that wasn't overly important, as there was a race to get started. With a grin, he dropped the then empty carton and darted out the door, leaving Holly scrambling behind him. Though, as he had cheated at the beginning, she lunged and grabbed his tail, pulling him backwards. In short, it wasn't so much a race as a competion for who could irritate the other the most before reaching the tree.

Trouble, wondering what had happened to Holly, had wandered into the kitchen and was watching them from the doorway, chuckling dispite himself.

"Hey, Trubs, where's Holly and Artemis?" Asked Grub, making him glare. Butler had just rejoined the group, handing a parcel over to Foaly, as well as a computer hard drive.

"Good man." Grinned the centaur.

"Don't call me Trubs." Snapped Trouble, a belated reply to his brother. "And the odd couple are in the garden. You can see them through the window, idiot." Trouble had only just realised the view himself, but he wouldn't let on. So when they turned to the pane, they were all surprised at what they saw. Holly was currently sitting on the branch of one of the larger maples, well hidden in the leaves and waiting for something. That something was Artemis, who was obviously looking for her. Once he came close enough to the tree, she jumped down, landing neatly on all fours behind him, and tackling him. After a frantic scramble, Holly lay flat on her stomach with Artemis sitting cross legged on her back, saying something the others, being inside a house, couldn't hear. It was obviously insulting, as Holly struggled to move, but just jostled Artemis, which made him laugh.

"They're having fun." Noted Foaly.

"At least someone is." Returned Trouble.

"What are _you_ doing?" Asked Grub, looking at Foaly, who was already pulling apart the computer.

"Planning for the inevitable." He replied. Mulch had just finished his cigar, and keeping with his promise, put the box back, but smooshed the butt into the floor rug to make a point. Stupid, since Artemis wouldn't be the one cleaning it up.

When Artemis and Holly returned to house looking exhausted, Foaly had hidden his work, to the confusion of everyone who had seen him working with it. Luckily no-one commented.

"You two have fun?" He asked, chuckling. Both just nodded, slumping into chairs. Foaly grinned at them both. "So you're going to be best friends from now on, and Artemis will start doing exercise and get a tan, and becoming a normal, friendly person, and we'll all live happily ever after. If you ignore the cat features." Holly glared and Artemis rolled his eyes.

"I'm afraid that a little exercise isn't going to completely change a person-"

"It could help though." Sidled Mulch, who recieved twin glares. "Seriously, you two loowked so adorwable pwaying in the garwden." The end was said in a babyish tone, with puppydog eyes.

"FYI Mulch, it was better than sitting there smoking."

"And we were doing research." Added Artemis, though no-one looked convinced.

"What did you learn?" Asked Trouble. "That cats always land on their feet?"

"No, that there is an energetic spurt in the mornings, but we will both probably remain exhausted for the remainder of the day, with the occasional exception." Stated Artemis. "That we both loath mornings in general, but can barely get any sleep at night so I am becoming nocternal and Holly more so. Good enough?"

"It'll have to do." Said Foaly, before Trouble could add a comment.

Artemis was right, though. Both he and Holly spent most of the day lazing around in chairs, with occasional bursts of energy that once resulted in a broken vase racing down a hallway. Luckily it was a very cheap vase, by Fowl standards.

---------------------------------

The next morning got some real information, though it couldn't be called 'good'. Something interesting was that the light fur on Artemis's face had coloured to dull black, with a band of white across his eyes. It could be assumed that that would be his colour scheme. Holly hadn't changed, unless one counted a paleness she had developed.

Holly went straight to the garden, for a run. Artemis went straight to the kitchen, having paced his bedroom most of the night.

The group was once again sitting together in the dining room, Artemis sitting paciently while Foaly studied him, sipping buttermilk. It was all very quiet, strangly, till...

"YAY! Peoples!" Holly, looking utterly delighted, ran forward and hugged every one of them as she entered through the kitchen. They started at her, mildly terrified. She was almost bouncing off the walls, and had just started singing. "Puu-ss-yy-cat, puu-ss-yy cat, I love you, yes, I dooo!" Artemis stood slowly, hands up, and took a step towards her.

"Holly, are you alright? Holly?" She grinned at him, laughing.

"Holly, olly, lolly, dolly, molly, colly, sholly!" She laughed. "Do another, Arty! Um, Arty, party, darty, marty, sarty!" Lunging forward, he grabbed her wrists. She stopped, staring at him with bright gold eyes.

"Holly." He said slowly. "What did you do in the garden?" She wriggled free, grinning once more.

"Well it was such a pretty day, I went for a walk." She babbled, skipping around the table. "Then I found some pretty flowers, to go with the pretty day, and they were so nice I had to pick some!"

"Flowers," thought Artemis, "what kind? What colour?" She stopped skipping, thinking.

"Um, they were tiny little flowers with... whitish bluish pinkish purplish petals and they smelled gorgeous! And tasted funny!"

"Smelt." Muttered Artemis before he could help it, then his brain sparked. "Catnip! Mother loved the flowers on catnip plants! She filled a portion of the garden with it!" Most of the other stared at him blankly. "Catnip is basically Kitty Crack. Feline marijuana. In other words, Holly's high."

"In the sky." She sang sleepily, eyes crossing as she slumped into a chair, half hanging off an arm.

"I am SO going to black mail her with this." Grinned Mulch. Holly didn't reply. She was fast asleep. Sighing, Artemis stood.

"Well, I'm going to see just how much catnip mother planted." Butler automatically strode to his side, though Artemis didn't have any false ideas to the reason for this. "Thank you Butler, it's probably safer if you don't leave me alone, no matter how large or small the plantation is." Foaly joined them. It wasn't every day a centaur was above ground, able to enjoy the fresh, pollutant-laden air. It wasn't hard to find the plants, Artemis got a whiff of them in the air and tripped over, head still in the air. Butler smartly grabbed hold of the boy's arm before he could run into the huge clump of multicoloured bushes.

"Smells nice." Sang Artemis, pulling against Butler to get away. "Let me _go_!" He begged, meowing. Foaly glanced at the manservant, and they both shook their heads. There was no way Holly or Artemis were leaving the house again.

Artemis wasn't happy about being dragged back inside, but took it well, once he was out of scent range. Being told he wouldn't be leaving the house, as a safety precaution... not taken so well.

---------------------------------

_**RANDOM CATNIP FACTS**_

_**Catnip can be white, pink, purple, or blue, which you may have picked up from Holly's rambling. It effects all cats in different ways making them agressive or amourous, but sleepy is most likely. The fresh bud is the most potent part of catnip, the caviar, if you will. Fresh OR dried leaves and flowers work well, and only a pinch is needed to put Kitty into a stupor. Catnip is safe as most cats will stop and leave it alone when they've had enough.**_

_**And now you know.**_

_**Gimme an R! Gimme an E! Gimme a V! You know the rest! Review! Review! Review Review Review!**_


	8. Purrrfect

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl, or a cat. This devastating news should bring me to tears, but because I'm writing about both, I'm happy.**_

This chappie is dedicated to **_JunkoTsukashima_** for a delightful and adorable representation of my characters on deviant art. You rock! Thank You!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Chapter 7 Well, this is just Purrrfect**

**Or**

**No, I don't think Grub could REALLY be that stupid either**

Trapping Artemis and Holly in the house turned out to be a very bad idea. In three days they went completely insane, tearing down the hallways in the middle of the night due to the instinct to both hunt and play in general. Luckily, on the third night, they were both completely tired out, and the occupants of the house were able to get a good night's sleep. Just as well, since the next morning would be extremely stressful for all of them.

---------------------------------

Artemis woke and stretched his limbs in the morning sunlight. Arm, arm, leg, leg, tail. After the quick yoga session, he set about grooming himself to look perfect for the rest of the day. The sad thing was, had he been completely human (as if he was ever completely human); had he been completely human, he would have done the exact same thing, abliet with soap and water. And possibly minus the tail.

Possibly.

Foaly was happy to announce that he had completed his recent mechanics, and was ready to test his two little gadgets at any time. He was elated to check and re-check the bugs, of which there were none, and show off the features to the group, then have an in depth chat with Artemis about their workings. But, mostly, he was depressed because he couldn't show off the objects, not without facing the fury of Holly and Artemis. Humiliation didn't work well with those two, and though exceedingly clever and multi-functional, the little devices were sure to make human and fairy flush, at the very least. And from anger, not embarrassment. So, putting them away in a box, all he could do was sigh with the indignity of it all. Of course, as neither elf nor mudboy had come down to the sitting room, their little meeting place, he could tell Mulch, Trouble, Grub and Butler, but either Mulch or Grub would crack up, and alert the pair of cat-people. Of course, he wasn't being a very good friend by hoping that they would end in the situation that would need his little machines, but the mad scientist inside him was hoping for it.

Just _writing_ in the 'don't you-know-what the you-know-whos' is annoying, so I'll stop.

Luckily, Foaly didn't have to worry for long, since while Mulch was watching Juliet's The Fast and The Furious, the others were all sitting in the televison room reading random books. Grub looked up from Where's Wally? A book Artemis had begged his mother to let him burn, and gave a startled laugh.

"Hey, how funny is that? Really idiocratic, too. Um, I think that's right... No, wait, wait... ironic! That's right, ironic." The babble had already bored the others to a dull stupor. Amazing what a voice can do. "Hey, Butler, you didn't mention that Fowl had a cat. Why haven't we seen it before? And, how weird, he looks kinda like Artemis would if he... wait a sec..." Again, it was the fault of the rapidly induced daze that made the others realise what he said after he had finished the entire sentence. From the now horrified look on his face, it was a miracle of nature that he hadn't passed out from lack of blood to the brain. But that was a miracle he faced almost everyday.

The others looked equally shocked, as they stared at the cat that sat placidly on an armchair. The cat, mostly black, gave them a level look from sharp blue eyes. All thought of Foaly's creation's had left his mind, as he then stared, open mouthed, at his intellectual equal. Well, ex-intellectual equal.

---------------------------------------

Earlier:

After completing his toilet for the morning, Artemis allowed himself to voice all the surpressed emotion that had built up when he had woken, realising his species instantly. It wasn't something that could avoid notice till walking past a mirror. The feeling of waking up in a huge bed, with his simple bedroom furniture looming over him, had been horrifying, but forcing himself to relax, wash up, had given him time to think. And finally assess that the situation was much worse than he had thought when first waking. Each of his thoughts on the subject built up, and finally he expressed it.

"MRRROOOWW!" He moaned, or yowled, for a full minute before colapsing and gasping for air. When he had caught his breath, he shook his furry head, and jumped off the bed, landing neatly on four paws. Well, that wasn't so bad. Walking wasn't as simple. It took a few tries before he had gotten used to moving his legs the right way. Checking his tail, though, it seemed perfectly independant and same as his ears, shifted in whatever it felt was nesescary. His door was ajar, no doubt a slightly forgetful action from Butler, and Artemis squeezed through the space, pushing the door open futher. He couldn't hold the incident against Butler. Seeing one's charge with a tail gives one an excuse for certain actions.

Artemis trotted down the hall to Holly's room, looking up at all the big things, ears straining for sounds he would never have detected before. Every sense was sharpened, and though he would have found it all painful and disorienting in his human form, he was fine at that moment. Butler, it seemed, hadn't checked on Holly, as her door was closed. Tail flicking in annoyance, he pulled himself semi upright, hoping that maybe she was still... whatever they had been. So, hoping that his transformation would be enough shock to ignore the embarrasment, he pawed at the door, back legs against the ground, and meowed loudly.

"Holly!" He blinked. He hadn't realised he could talk. But, it was still a meow... Artemis Fowl was officially the first person to discover one of two things. Either cats had a language all their own, or humanoids turned into cats had a language all their own. He didn't know which to hope for. "Holly, are you in there?" After a moment he heard a thump from behind the door, and a scraping against the wood at about his hight.

"Artemis?" She called, her voice strange but, to him at least, undeniably Holly. "I can't get out!" Looking at the low side tables on either side of her door, he groaned. "What?" She must have heard him. Damn sharp hearing.

"I have an idea. Wait there." He had been playing 'the floor is made of lava' with Holly the day before, so held little reservations about a wooden table. He leapt at it, managing it easily, then looked at the doorknob. Ears back and tail unmoving in concentration, he crept to the edge of the table and jumped, trying to hit the door knob. He fell with a twist, and meowed in pain. "Are you alright?" Called Holly. He nodded then caught himself.

"Okay, here's what I'll do. I can't open the door. Not only can't I reach it, I have no thumbs. I need one of the others. I'll be back soon. Alright?"

"Kay." Holly wasn't worried. Even in a cat's body, Artemis could probably get out of some tight spots, and this was just convincing one of the other's to open a door. And it wasn't like she was running out of air. So Artemis raced along the hallway, and scampered down the stairs, almost tripping since unused to the height and width. He heard car chases from the closest room, and headed for it. Yes, they were all there, Foaly looking annoyed at something. He jumped onto an armchair, about to meow, when Grub Kelp looked at him, startled. He began rambling, and Artemis just stared at him till the others noticed.

"Artemis?" Began Butler, taking a step forward. Artemis, smartly not bothering to speak, jumped off the chair and out the room at a moderate pace. He waited a moment once out of sight, an sure enought the others followed. Feeling a bit like Lassie, he trotted to the stairs till the others began trying to actually catch him, at which point he ran full speed to Holly's door. They followed, all except Foaly, and Mulch a little distance behind. Butler stopped, putting his hand up, and went to knee level. "Artemis." He said softly, holding out a hand. "Come on, come on." Artemis rolled his eyes, but Butler didn't notice, and tried again. The cat turned to the door and scratched at it. "The door?" Artemis meowed in frustration.

"This is Holly's room! She can't open it!" When the only reaction was 'did he try to speak?' from Trouble, Artemis decided not to try verbal comunication with the fairies till Holly was out. He scratched at the door.

"Is that Holly room?" Artemis put both front paws on the door, meowing again. Holly heard him and meowed from the other side, then Butler jumped up and opened the door, seeing a fuzzy streak jump out. Artemis blinked. Holly, cat Holly, turned and rubbed her head against his, the feline equivelent of a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks."

"I didn't do anything. Now lets go check on Foaly." They both turned when, caught unawares, were picked up by Butler and Trouble. Artemis struggled but was easily stopped, and Butler held onto his young ward tightly. Holly didn't put up a fight, what was the point? It wasn't as if they were in any danger. Artemis just had a huge ego.

Mulch had reached the others belatedly and then laughed at them all. "Aww, they're so cute!" He grinned.

"I'll kill that dwarf." Stated Artemis to the only person who could understand him, Holly. She nodded darkly, but they both allowed themselves to be carried to Foaly without commiting a murder.

Foaly wasn't as unhappy about his friends' state as he should have been. "Well, this is interesting." He said simply as he picked up Holly, wise since Artemis would probably scratch him, and they all knew it. He was fighting a grin, making Holly glare at him, not that he noticed, and squirm. "So, any intelligent behaviour?" He asked them all.

"Well, Artemis knew to get us to help Holly." Said Butler. Foaly nodded thoughtfully, then grinned again. He was feeling delighted at that moment.

"Let's see this as making the most of a bad situation, so here." He picked up his two little inventions and held them up. Obivously no-one found them quite as impressive as he himself did. Ah, genius was so unappretiated. "Yes, I know these _look_ like collars and tags, but they're not." He clarified, and was greeted with 'ooohhh,' then the more appropriate 'oooo, what do they do?' That would have to do. Holding them up, they looked like ordinary collars. Both black, with thin circular silver tags hanging from the rim. _Holly_. Read one, the other saying _Artemis_ in neat little block letters. Very cute. But before anyone could say so, Foaly began again. "I made these for when Artemis and Holly became cats. It was bound to happen eventually. Now that it has, the only hard part will be getting them to willingly wear them. Holly shouldn't be a huge problem, but Artemis seems slightly, ah, feral." At those words Artemis, who had been sitting semi-comfortably on Butler's lap, sat up straight and indignant-looking.

"I think he heard you." Said Butler. Foaly rolled his eyes.

"He's a cat, Butler. I don't think has any idea of anything normal now." The black cat still looked extremely indignant. Holly, on the other hand, had left Trouble and was sitting leisurly on the sofa, relaxed. "Anyway. These look like tags, but they're actually sophisticated equipment, the latest in tracking and physical analysis technology." Finally he was greeted with the looks of admiration he deserved. Sadly, the only noticable one was from the black cat who sat on Butler's lap. He was looking at Foaly with a mildly impressed look and his head cocked to one side. Okay, this was getting weird.

"Alright, morons." He snapped, since no-one was appretiating his genius properly. "This thing will keep track of Artemis and Holly through satellite surveillance. When it touches their skin microsensors can check the heart rate and body temparature; and it's a two way communicator, though that's weak, so probably won't be much use if they need loud direct commands or something."

"Why's it two way?" Asked Grub and Trouble together. Foaly shrugged.

"I though this would be an interesting experiment, and who better to test it on? If this works well, then bigger versions could be used for undercover work. Or, if Holly and Artemis are still as intelligent as they were, and we find a cure, then we could patent this cat stuff and create the best undercover operatives ever."

"Are you suggesting we turn fairies into cats for spy work?" Asked Trouble, apalled. Foaly grinned.

"I was just kidding." He chuckled. "Lighten up, Trubs. Now lets get these things on the kitties." Almost everyone in the room thought the words 'easier said than done', so were surprised when both cats allowed themselves to be collared so easily. Artemis saw it as a means to get away from Butler, and sat beside Holly on the sofa, neither realising just how cute that was, since they were both sitting straight, tails curled around toes, watching everyone else. Looking from one cat to the other, Butler sighed.

"So what do we do?" He asked softly. "Can we change them back?" Foaly nodded assuredly.

"Yeah. We'll find a way. But right now, I think we need a plan."

"Well," began Trouble, grinning reluctantly. "There is one thing we should probably do."

"Which is?"

"Neuter Artemis." They stared at him. Artemis jumped off the sofa and hid beneath it, making everyone else burst out laughing, Holly included, rolling onto her back in hysterics that only made sense to Artemis. "For Holly's sake and safety, of course." Added Trouble when he caught his breath.

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_**Now, I really mean it this time, REVIEW! I have no idea whether fully turning them would please you all, so I'll accept flames, to a certain point. Please tell me what you thought!**_

**_Thank You again to JunkoTsukashima for your awesome picture._**


	9. Chat with a Kitty Cat

_**Disclaimer: Lets skirt the guidelines and say: I own a fictional cat called Artemis, and a fictional cat named Holly, and any resemblance to characters in the last chapter who happened to turn into identical cats is purely coincidental, as is the cat's ability to speak in tones, phrases and cadences that mimic that of the characters of Eion Colfer. Any good?**_

**Chapter 8 Chat with a Kitty Cat**

Let's start with descriptions of Artemis and Holly that I won't be able to add into the story later without making the characters think out of character.

Artemis: An ebony cat with sparkling blue eyes, he has a thin, whip like tail that is tipped with white. His body is black, with 'white evening gloves' and 'slippers' on his paws and back legs. An interesting feature is a band of white across his eyes, looking like a reverse Zorro mask. His fur is short and soft.

Holly: Pure ivory fur, her eyes are a golden amber, rich and clear. Her thick, plume like tail is creamy red, tabby stripped with dark auburn. The tail looks as though it has been painted on, the mackerel markings clear and defined, the red colour ending abruptly at the base of the tail. Her ears are the same, the top of her head dipped in red and stripped, with a clear white line running between her ears, sectioning off each ear. Her fur is semi-long.

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Last Chapter:

_"Neuter Artemis." They stared at him. Artemis jumped off the sofa and hid beneath it, making everyone else burst out laughing, Holly included, rolling onto her back in hysterics that only made sense to Artemis. "For Holly's sake and safety, of course." Added Trouble when he caught his breath._

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Jumping off the sofa, Holly tried to coax Artemis out from under it, which he refused, so she joined him. The others stared at the two cat heads that stuck out from the edge of the sofa while Foaly ran a diagnostics check on the collars.

"Artemis." Said Trouble slowly. "Come on, boy. Here Arty..." Artemis turned to Holly.

"Doesn't he find it strange that I reacted to his first sentence yet am ignoring his second?" He asked.

"Don't be too hard on him Artemis." Scolded Holly, at least till Trouble tried her.

"Here girl, come on Holly, who's my good girl?" He crooned.

"Did he just call me _his_ girl?" Asked Holly dangerously.

"Don't be to hard on him Holly." Mimicked Artemis, receiving a headbutt.

"Leave them alone Trouble, it looks like they're having a facinating conversation, and we shouldn't interupt it." Chuckled Foaly. "At least now we can get them to MY lab, this one's pathetically low-tech." Artemis half sat up, insulted, the realised something. He looked at Holly.

"How does the gift of tongues work?" She furrowed her brow for a second, unsure, before answering.

"Well, we can understand any advanced language, and speak absolutly any language."

"So you could, say, communicate with birds to find out about a certain area?" Prompted Artemis curiously. She shook her furry head.

"No. Birds aren't as smart as us- I mean fairies- and don't have a full language. They speak with movement as well, and this is the gift of tongues, not the gift of interpretive dance. We can talk to them, though; use vocal commands. Like Mulch used on the dogs while stealing Emmys." (**_I don't know if Holly would actually know any of that, but it suits my purposes_**)

Artemis nodded thoughtfully. "Now Holly, does _this_ count as intelligent language? Or am I missing something?" Holly blinked.

"You're right, we should be able to talk to them."

"Maybe it takes some encouragment." Murmured the black cat, sliding from beneath the sofa to Foaly's laptop. The centaur wasn't using it, and it was pathetically low-tech to his standards but high on Artemis', so he easily got onto the desktop screen. Foaly saw him.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" He scolded, trying to pick up the boy. Artemis darted out of the way, and clicked into note pad. Foaly paused. "Seriously. What _are_ you doing?" The cat didn't answer, couldn't, and began slowly typing. It was hard with paws.

"Aww." Said Grub. "He's trying to be smart like he used to be. Poor dumb kitty." Artemis tensed, but kept typing, tail flicking back and forth angrily. It didn't take too long.

_Present company. Despite my new form, I am not stupid, nor at the usual level of a cat, and therefore take offence at been called or petted. I do not speak for Holly, but doubt she enjoys pet names any more than I do. Captain Kelp, I will hurt you if you ever repeat your earlier suggestion, and I promise you that. Corperal Kelp, I 'used' to be human, but my intelligence has not deminished in the least. But I drift from my point. Do fairies not have the gift of tongues? I there something I fail to understand? Mulch Diggums ordered two security dogs to his bidding not long ago, and they understood him, though were unable to reply. We -Miss Short and I- have the advantages of understanding you anyway, but it should not take too much effort to understand us, as we are smarter than average and seemingly capable of our own vocal language, which you should all be able to understand. Failing that, perhaps a translator? Really, people, it seems the most intelligent of us are the least appretiated when quadrepidal, and more intelligent than usual when whiskered._

Clever Artemis had managed to compliment both himself and Foaly, keep himself superior, and threaten Touble Kelp, all in one paragraph, typed with a padded foot the overlapped keys every few characters. Smart arse. Which Foaly was quick to point out.

"For a tomcat you sure are a smart ass." He drawled, skimming the text. "As much as I hate to admit it, Artemis is right. If they _are_ smart, then a translator should do the trick for me and Butler, but the rest of you just need to focus a little magic into your gift of tongues." Foaly always brought translators with him, because even though Butler and Artemis both spoke Gnommish, there was always a chance that _something_ might happen. Okay, he just liked carrying them around. He stuck one in his own ear and tossed another to Butler, and Artemis immediatly began meowing.

"Can you hear me now?" Asked the black cat repeatedly, slowly, waiting for some sign of recognition. "Nod if you can. Can you hear me now? Nod if you can. Can you hear me now-"

"Shut up!" Meowed Holly; it would have been loud, but her voice seemed permanantly soft and textured. He glared at her.

"If neither of us speak, then how do they know they understand us?" He snapped.

"You two argue with each other no matter what species you are." Chuckled Foaly. "And sorry Holly, he's right, though you could make the chant a little more interesting." Both cat's glared murder, when Butler spoke.

"Artemis? Can you really understand us?" The black head bobbed up and down.

"Yeah, we can both understand, now could you do me a favor and break Trouble Kelp's thumbs? Let's see how cutesy he acts without them." Butler chuckled, shaking his head.

"That's Holly at any rate." Then, causing the subject to change completely, Grub Kelp's stomach rumbled. "Shall I make some breakfast?" Asked Butler with a chuckle.

"No." Ordered Artemis haughtily. "No-one eats till you can all hear me clearly."

"That's cruel." Said Trouble. "I can hear you, so can I eat, O Master Fowl?"

"Do not mock me." Growled Artemis. Trouble shook his head.

"You know what, I'll say sorry, because I'm the _bigger man_." He grinned. Artemis rolled his electric eyes. They should have been sapphire, but that wasn't a colour cat eyes came in.

"This can't be the first time you're taller and stupider than another creature, so I don't see what you seem so happy about. That said, were I a normal cat I would no doubt outsmart you in anything you wish to name." Holly laughed, for the first time the strange mewling understandable as gales of glee to anyone other than Artemis.

"How can you take his side?!" Asked a hurt Trouble.

"Species takes precedent." She apologised.

"I can't understand them!" Moaned Grub, and Mulch laughed.

"Even I've got the hang of it. It's not that important though. Holly was laughing and Trouble, then apologised. Not exactly the feel good story of the year."

"Go to hell, dwarf." Meowed the orange and white girl.

"Quiet or I'll put you both in a bag and swing it like a hammer." Warned Foaly. "And I wasn't talking about Holly and _Artemis_." That effectively shut them both up while Artemis chuckled and headed towards the kitchen. "And Butler, you better buy Artemis and Holly some cat food." Artemis froze, then walked back to Butler in a frustrated way.

"Could you open the fridge door?" He asked in a depressed manner. Butler nodded kindly, and Holly slunk out from under the sofa and followed them both.

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"No Butler, that's alright. Thanks to feline instincts, I feel too exposed on the table. And I wouldn't want to make the others uncomfortable." Butler nodded, placing a saucer of milk on the floor beside Artemis. He had made omelets for the others, and while the two cats lapped up milk from matching white bowls, Foaly was pouring over his computer. It didn't seem possible, but milk was actually _better_ with four paws. For a few moments life was as it should be, everything perfectly in place. Then Artemis sat up and began flicking the milk off his whiskers, and everything came crashing down again. He sat and began grooming paws and whiskers, which he knew from instinct would take at least four hours, then maybe an hour of lying in the sun doing nothing and getting covered in dust, then... Well, that wasn't so bad.

Finished with her own 'breakfast', Holly jumped onto the table and wandered over to Foaly, who was busy typing. "What on earth are you doing?" She asked, staring at the screen with huge amber eyes. The screen was covered with text on cat types.

"Thought I'd check out your breeds." He said, absently clicking again. "Where are we... Sphynx... whoa, nope, not you or Artemis." Holly and Foaly tittered at the picture of a hairless, large eared creature staring sideways at the camera. "The one before could open cupboards and turn on taps, so I'm glad neither of you are Somali." He added, grinning. Holly turned her head sideways.

"Tell me when you find me, kay?"

"Will do."

"Butler, since even if one of us _does_ get stoned, it would have a huge effect, can we please go outside?" Asked Holly in her sugary, smooth voice. He smiled and nodded, getting up, while Mulch took the chance to raid his plate of any remaining omelet. Artemis shook his head at him.

"Disgusting dwarf." He muttered. The dwarf in question looked up at the cat and grinned.

"Alley cat. Y'know, if I wanted, I could swallow you whole, so you better be good." Flicking his ears in a holier-than-thou expression, Artemis took off towards the garden behind Holly.

"Race you to the tree." Called Artemis as they trotted behind Butler.

"You're on!" Holly called back grinning. The second the door opened, the both raced out the door, and automatically began chasing each other in circles. Butler shook his head slowly. At least Artemis was getting some exercise. And he needed to go buy some fish. Despite Trouble's suggestion, or perhaps because of it, Butler decided it would be cruel to buy Artemis cat food.

Funny, undoubtably, but very, very cruel.

Artemis and Holly, meanwhile, were delightedly attacking each other, till Artemis paused long enough to be tackled by Holly. (A sentence that would never be heard were he still human and in his normal frame of mind). She paused, staring at him, then looking up to where he was staring. A group of chittery birds were sitting in a tree, and Artemis was staring at them like a pot of gold. He wouldn't. He couldn't. He was definately trying. He seemed to shift form, almost, black body becoming lithe and stealthy. Reaching the tree silently, he jumped onto a low branch, and began climbing higher, towards the birds. Holly sat staring at him from the ground, tail flicking in concern for the birds. But he wouldn't catch one, just chase them away. Still, he had reached the branch cluster the birds sat on, and was lying flat against the bow, the tip of his tail flicking in anticipation, he looked like a mini, masked panther.

The movement was quicksilver, he lunged into the feathery mass, creating hundreds of tiny squawks, and making Holly close her eyes. A soft thump alerted her that he was on the ground, and opening her eyes, saw a victorious Artemis... With a small brown bird clamped between his jaws.

"How could you!" She screamed, or tried to. Her voice was very soft no matter what she did. Dammit! He shrugged and dropped it, looking shamefacedly at her. After a second he dropped down, putting his paws over the tiny prey. "I'm not going to steal it." She said icily.

"I sorry." He looked it, too. "I couldn't help it, I just... couldn't."

"Oh yeah?" She replied. "Why could I? Killer."

"It's a bird!"

"A living creature. How could you?"

"I already answered that." He hissed, ears laid back angrily. She shook her head.

"In that case, why was I able to look at the birds and leave them be, while you had to kill one?"

"I didn't want to kill it!" He defended. "Just catch it! I know this sounds strange, but I had too. I need to move. Next time, stop me."

"Ha."

"No, seriously. It's instinct. You've overcome that in me before. I wouldn't have given back half a tonne of gold on my own." She glared at him and walked back inside. He sighed and followed, after hiding the bird. There were downsides to this cat thing. Other than the obvious.

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_**Should this be ArtemisXHolly? Please tell me!**_

_**Any good? Please review, I need to know what you thought! PLEASE I BEG YOU!**_


	10. Nighttime Delight

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl, Holly Short, or any affiliating characters. Eoin Colfer owns pretty much everything of any importance in this story, at least for now.**_

_**Hmm. You know, I've had some interesting -yet always subtle- reviews, which may be hinting that Artemis/Holly may be desirable. folds arms and shakes head at readers Luckily, that was the original plan, and though I could have changed it, this makes things simpler. So now you know that there WILL BE FLUFF, but it won't take over the story, so if you aren't an AH fan, don't worry too much.**_

**Chapter 9 Night-time Delight**

**Or**

**Why won't this section end!**

**Or**

**The author is REALLY obsessed with cats**

_And on the above note, I'll start this chapter with a hint of fluff. Just a little, though._

Holly wasn't speaking to him. Now, that was okay, or should have been, yet it frustrated him and he couldn't figure out why. She couldn't tell him what he thought. She couldn't just decide something he did was right or wrong. She couldn't say she understood, not when she didn't seem to have to deal with it. And her indescribable beauty made absolutely no difference to any of these facts, nor his anger at her. Wait... what did he just say?

Shaking his head, Artemis went inside, trying to figure exactly what he had just thought. (don't worry, that won't happen all the time, they WILL act normal mostly)

And, once inside, he found that Holly still wasn't speaking to him, and was sitting on the arm of a chair, eyes closed, acting asleep. By all accounts the others thought she was asleep, but Artemis knew better. It was hard to believe it was only, what, late morning? Artemis took a seat on the sofa, spreading his limbs to see just how much room he could take up. Two cushions on a four seater. Not bad.

"So what happens now?" He asked Foaly, who was still on his computer. The centaur looked up, and shrugged. "We're all going to Haven. I can't think up here, and my lab is way more advanced. We would go tomorrow, but due to _Mulch_-" At this point the centaur glared at the dwarf, who pretended not to notice. "-it's too sunny, so we'll wait till it gets dark, tomorrow night." Artemis nodded.

"Why _tomorrow_ night?" Another glare passed between centaur and dwarf.

"Let's let Mulch fill this one. Why _aren't_ we going tonight?"

"It's gunna rain." Mulch replied roughly. "I'm not going out in the rain."

"You'll be underground most of the time!"

"Yeah, and the soil will be awful. Moist, good, waterlogged, bad. It's like di-

"We get it!" The others spoke hurriedly, then Foaly changed the subject.

"Yes! And I just found Holly's breed." Holly sat up, but Artemis reached the computer first so got top spot staring at the screen. And Foaly was right. A cat with small spots of dappled brown fur on it's head, and a luxuriously fluffy tail that reached to the base of it's body in a brown tabby pattern, spreading slightly on the rump. "Of course," added Foaly once he was sure they had both looked at the picture. "This one isn't quite the same, but the breed is definately the same." Artemis looked along the text.

"Turkish Van. And this one won... Best in breed, brown tabby and white male." Foaly nodded, scrolling down to other pictures.

"Holly's prettier." Added the centaur, making Artemis and Holly stare at him. He grinned. "Well, I guess only Artemis can really judge that." Twin glares this time. "But I checked out breed specifics, and Holly's a perfect example of Turkish Van...ness."

"Presenting Holly Short, proud winner of the award for _'Perfection in the field of Turkish Vanness'_." Announced Holly sarcastically, rolling her huge eyes. Foaly pouted.

"Soo-rrry for not knowing the correct terminology for cat breeds. The point is, you're the classic red example of this breed. And that's the last breed I've looked up." Foaly grinned at Artemis. "I'm afraid I didn't find you, though." He added apologetically. Artemis shrugged, unconcerned, but liking the sound of his own voice, Foaly continued. "Don't worry Artemis, not all is lost. You look like a cross between a bombay and snowshoe, and a few others, actually. But especially those two." Artemis moved towards the touch sensitive mouse-pad thingy (those things on laptops. What are they called?) and tried to find Bombay. "Hey, get off of it, no computers for Artemis." He looked up at the others, who had been absently following the conversation. "For those not paying attention, our Holly is a perfect pure breed, and Artemis is... I really don't know. I'm surprised that not being a pureblood persian hasn't killed you." Flicking his tail, Artemis jumped off the table top.

"I am obsessed with nothing. But were I, it would be money, not bloodlines."

"Which makes you better how?" Said Holly in a dark voice. Artemis was sorely tempted to chant 'you spoke to me, you spoke to me!' in a singsong voice, but only did in his mind. Instead, he replied with:

"My dear Holly, who are you talking too? for obvious reasons, it can't be me." With a small growl, Holly lunged at him from the table and clamped onto his tail before he could dart away. Artemis yelped, and she dragged him backwards a full meter before letting him go. At which point he darted under the chair Butler was sitting on.

"You better run, Fowl!" She shouted at him. Foaly blinked at them.

"Are you two fighting or something? He asked in an amused-cross-worried tone.

"No." They growled together, which just made him laugh.

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Artemis watched the sun set from the windowsill while the others ate. He wasn't hungry, though would drop down for some milk pretty soon. The day had left him pretty relaxed, other than he and Holly still being on stiff terms. Holly herself was curled up on the table, eating her own plate of Halibut croquettes with Hollandaise sauce. Butler had smartly not bothered with a salad for either cats. The sky's natural oil painting reminded Artemis of his old habits, which he knew he would miss very soon, and... mmm, could he...? He darted out of the room, practically unnoticed.

Later that evening the others were retiring, leaving Artemis and Holly to either go to sleep or wander the house for the rest of the night. They both looked alert and active, so Butler resigned himself to clean up duty for any possible mess caused by hyperactive felons... uh, felines.

As Holly still refused to properly speak to Artemis, which was making Foaly giggle uncontrolably. They made a strange pair, sitting side by side and bidding each of the group farewell, while not looking in the other's direction. Though Butler _really_ didn't like it, one of the smaller windows was left open so the two could move in and out.

Still, it made little difference whether they were friendly or not, as he doubted they would have had much of a conversation. He was sure of this when he began darting from room to room, going generally mental. Yay! Tassel! The older chairs were rimmed with golden fabric, and Artemis lost no time in tearing at them playfully and rolling around on his back and batting at them. He couldn't help sighing to himself as he ran from room to room, the world coated in silver moon dust, only visible with his night eyes. Everything was beautiful.

After a few hours, he found Holly in the main hall, examining the morning sky fresco on the ceiling. It was a strange feeling, staring at the dawn, covered in darkness and shadows. She noticed him as soon as he entered, but payed no attention. Equally ignorant, Artemis trotted up to the grand piano in one corner, pouncing onto the black cover.

Carefully, Artemis looked over the shadowed keys, and after a moment, nodded to himself. "Holly," he called. The fairy didn't look around. She had been about to move anyway, but then made it a point to keep staring in the opposite direction. He sighed. "You don't have to say a word, just come over to the piano." Grudgingly, she moved, darting to the piano and leaping neatly onto it. Still, she looked at the fresco, refusing to watch Artemis. He rolled his eyes in return. "That's extremely immature." He muttered, not expecting, rightly, a comeback. "Anyway, I've lost much of my skill, but tell me. Is this any good?" Her curiosity got the better of her, as it always would no matter what species, and Holly turned to watch Artemis, who gingerly stepped onto the piano's keyboard.

The sound was deep, but with surprising speed, Artemis managed to hop from one key to another, creating a surprisingly sweet sound. Holly stared at him in shock.

After about a minute of what was half a melody, half a dance, Artemis jumped back onto the edge of the piano, panting. That had been the single most exhausting experience of his life. Holly still stared at him, which, in the darkness, he misinterpreted.

"Still not talking?" sigh. "A nod for good, a shake for bad." Holly shook her head quickly, which made him sigh in slight disappointment. "Oh well, it seems I've found another skill that I've lost with the accuasition of paws.

"What?!" Spluttered Holly, finally regaining her tongue, "you're kidding, right? That was great! Techniqually not possible, but I'll let you off this time." He looked up at her, smiling slightly.

"Do you think so? Thank you. I've lost enough already, I really didn't want to lose my musical skills." Holly nodded.

"I get that. Was that why you were so morbid at dinner?"

"You noticed that?"

"No. No I didn't." Strict self control kept him from hitting her and saying 'shut the hell up, Holly.' Instead, he managed to twist the words into a simple:

"Touche." But couldn't help batting at her head playfully. Suddenly, his ears perked up, he he sat straight. "Can you hear that?" She could; Holly had sat up straighter, sniffing the air.

"That isn't..." She began, before running towards a window, Artemis chasing after the orange and white blur. He struggled beneath the heavy curtain's that hid the huge, empty hall's french windows, and stared in horror at what he saw. Rain. The gentle rumble of thunder had alerted himself and Holly to it, and now he stared at the sheets that ran down the glass, the sound once masked by the emptiness of the halls, proving that Mulch had useful trait for weather prediction.

Artemis groaned and pressed his head against the glass. Water. His immortal enemy (as opposed to his many, _many_, mortal enemies). Holly rolled her eyes. "It's not that bad." She grinned -actually grinned! "Rain is wonderful." He replied by shuddering delicately.

"How can you say that? Not to be stereotypical, but... water. Ew."

"Did you just say-"

"Don't even start." That was followed by Artemis batting a paw at her head.

"Hey. You are _so_ going to pay for that, mud boy." Holly made a surprisingly good impression of Artemis's vampire smile -something that only they two could see or appretiate- before lunging at him. Smartly, Artemis ran for cover, leaping away from the edge of the floor-to-ceiling windows and dashing out of the room. Laughing, Holly raced after him.

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_**YAY! The breeds are written in! I spent ages trying to figure out what would fit who, and just felt like making Artemis a moggie. So, if you have any question about Holly's tempermant or slight ooc-ness, I can blame it on the breed. (I want to avoid ooc-ness, though, so I'll try to keep it from happening)**_

_**Good? Bad? Please review and tell me! And sorry this chappie is slightly shorter than the others, I really wanted to move on.**_


	11. Reaching Haven

_**This chapter should have been up a few days ago, but my computer wasn't working. Really.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl, Holly Short, or any member of the rest of the gang, which makes me sad. I'm happy I don't own Juliet, though, because I REALLY don't like her. Mr Colfer can keep her, or kill her off. Both would make me smile. Anyway, that's why she won't be featured in this story, or any others, probably.**_

_**Yes! We actually leave Fowl manor in this chapter! Finally!**_

**Chapter 10 Haven**

Crash! Someone would have to pay for that in the morning. To be literal, that would probably be Artemis Senior and Angeline Fowl, but if Artemis Junior footed the bill, they probably wouldn't notice the sum missing. To be less literal, Butler would be paying, as he had to clean it up. Artemis felt bad, true, but he was too busy chasing Holly to care. He was exhausted, but so was she, leaving them with an equal chance of winning this nameless but oh-so common game.

He tore around a corner, following the orange tail that he was after. If either could have a distinguishable laugh, they would have cackled, but were breathing too hard to possibly manage any sound except panting. Ah! Trying to dodge the thick purple curtains (Everyone wants purple curtains. Admit it.) Artemis slid, hitting them and being completely submerged in violet before clawing his way out and staring around and running off again. At least, he would have run off, if it weren't for the sudden weight on his back. Groaning, the black cat looked up, directly into the deep amber irises of our dear Holly, who was grinning, naturally, in a very cheshire-cat-like way.

"I win." She purred, literally, her grin widdening. "Mmm, and I think I'll save my prize."

"Prize?" Groaned Artemis. "When was a prize agreed on?"

"As the winner I decided that I deserve one. A favour, or boon, in Ye Olde English."

"You can't possibly make me keep a favour." Replied dark kitty, and realised his mistake a second later. This was intensified instantly when Holly's jaw came down hard on his head, digging against his skull in a chewing motion. Gritting his teeth, Artemis shook himself violently, causing them both to tumble in the velvety mass of draps. Holly glared at him, but all she said was:

"Not bad, mud boy, but don't think I won't be holding you to that favour." He simply smiled, shaking himself and yawning. Yawning? "And I think I'll go to sleep." Added Holly, drapping herself back over him in a complete deadweight.

"Hey!" No point complaining or arguing, Holly wouldn't budge, and was half asleep in less than a minute. Artemis himself was blinking to keep his eyes open. That he felt like he was lying in the midst of cyber space beneath a -heavy- cashmere blanket didn't help things.

Prrrrrr. The soft rumble meant one of two things. _Prrrrrr._ One, Holly was asleep; or two, Artemis was relaxed and almost asleep. **_Prrrrrr_**. A moment later they were both asleep, so it really didn't matter.

-----------------------------------------

"Where are Holly and Artemis?" Asked Grub urgently, starting around the main dinning room. Trouble looked at him curiously, while starting on a plate of pancakes he had begged Butler to make. What? Everyone needs a favourite breakfast food.

"Why do you care?"

"Well, anything could have happened to them, they might have been squashed by something, or the window could have closed while they were outside, or-"

"Breakfast! Food! What do I get?!" Holly bounded in, yawning, followed by the more subdued Artemis. Trouble folded his arms at his brother, who blushed scarlet. Foaly chuckled at the exuberance of the Turkish Van, who purred delightedly when Butler put a bowl of thickened cream on the ground.

"Good night?" He asked innocently. She laughed.

"Exhausting." Any other words were mumbled when most of her head was plunged in the bowl of cream, her tail swaying in the air. Artemis shook his head, smiling softly before the second bowl of cream was placed on the ground, and he joined Holly, though with a little more dignity.

It was later, much later, when the group stood on the front lawn of Fowl Manor in the dusk light. Well, most of them stood on the lawn. Holly and Artemis had the more amusing seats, each atop one of Butlers shoulders. Artemis sat straight and indignant, glaring across his manservant's head to Holly, who was perfectly happy, her tail curled around the manservant's neck. Setting off towards the car, Butler managed to remain surprisingly stotic while pretending Holly was silent, and not shouting 'High ho Butler, away!' and 'Forward, mighty mudman!' While Artemis batted at the end of her tail on the left shoulder. The others were already in the car, and Foaly had left early with the help of some cam foil.

Butler, taking the wheel, drove to the now known E-Tara location, with a little back seat driving from everyone but Artemis, who was curled up on the dashboard. (He and Holly had originally been on the front seat together, but her constant chattering to Butler had gotten unnerving. And the dashboard was warm. Mmm. Warmth.)

The shuttle waiting for them was cramped; Foaly had convinced it was important to reach Haven, quickly, and the fastest availible shuttle wasn't pretty. Still, it was better than that old goblin shuttle, so no one -other than poor cramped Butler- was overly concerned. Trouble was driving the shuttle and had shut off the part of him that understood Holly and Artemis, so Holly's attempts of backseat -or dashboard- driving became nothing more than a soft, agitated mewling. Artemis was watching the fairies from the co-pilot's seat, the only selfless thing he had ever done by Trouble's standards, as it had taken quiet begging from Trouble to convince the black cat to take the seat. A strange thing to do, but a dark stare from Artemis was better than whining from Grub.

Remembering the first trip, it wasn't overly difficult to get into the operations booth, and Foaly immediately got started on his computers. "My babies," he crooned. "Did you miss me?" of course, he stopped when he saw the stares he was getting.

Ah, everything in life is rush, rush, rush. "Foaly!" Barked an oh-so well known voice from a screen-less intercom. "Get down to the council chambers! Now! You too Captain Kelp!"

"Uh, Commander, we have a situation down h-"

"Now! It can wait!"

"No it can't!"

"_It can wait, Centaur. Get your hairy rear end down here or you'll be needing a new uniform- the janitor's!_" With a frustrated growl, Foaly looked helplessly around the room, and fled it with Trouble (sounds like they're eloping). That last voice hadn't been Julius Root. It belonged to the gnome, Sool, and he had been gaining much control over the council recently. He had every power to demote Foaly, though it was doubtful he was stupid enough to do it. As the sliding door hissed behind them, Grub looked around.

"Hey... where are the other two?"

-------------------------------------------

While the intercom conversation was going on, Artemis and Holly simultaniusly decided to find out what was so important about the meeting. So, when the door opened, they both dashed out and followed Foaly and Trouble to the council chambers. The centaur and elf looked worried, which gave both cats reason for concern.

"Ah, so good of you to join us." Purred Sool darkly when they entered. "We almost had to start without you. That would have been... regretful." Yeah. Right. And clouds are made of mashed potato. "Now sit." No matter how much both hated taking orders, Foaly and Trouble Kelp obeyed, taking seats at the large table.

"Where's Holly Short?" asked an annoyed Vinyaya. Foaly shrugged.

"She was really sick," was his lame apology. Root raised an eyebrow.

" If that was anyone but Holly, who never misses work, that would have sounded really lame." Foaly replied with a stiff glare.

Holly chuckled and nodded in agreement, glancing at Artemis, and took her seat, followed by the boy. They sat close together to fit on the chair, ears flat and eyes just over the desk rim.

"Now down to business," said Root, beginning the briefing. "As the Wing Commander put it so well, we have a situation. Some humans have been messing with DNA, creating mutating syrums." Uh-oh. Holly and Artemis turned to stared at each other, then almost jumped back when their noses touched, due to the cramped space of the chair. Foaly visibly paled, as did Trouble. Sool seemed unconcerned.

"What does this have to do with us? The humans can do what they want to each other. It could be a bonus for our situation."

"Uh, don't you think we should have had an inkling about this before they got to testing?" Asked one of the council. "Yeah, Foaly should have been keeping track." Added another.

"Oh, thank you so much for adding me to this." He muttered dryly.

"Well obviously, technical genius has only just been informed." Added Sool. "Personally, I think he should have an incntive to make sure there won't be a next time."

"My, my," whispered Artemis. "His hints are are truly subtle. I barely caught them." Holly giggled, then shushed him.

"What was that?" Asked Vinyaya suddenly. "I thought I heard a cat noise."

"Ridiculous." Said Foaly and Trouble together. That raised a few eyebrows, but nothing was said. "Anyway," pushed Foaly, desperately trying to move on while not wanting to look like he was staring at the big, slitted eyes that were staring at the members of the council. "I'm betting you think a fairy's involved. Humans couldn't have thought this up on their own." The council nodded and mumbled affirmative. Foaly sighed. "I'll go back to my computer, shall I?"

Dammit. If only Vinyaya had slightly less than 20/20 vision, or the strange ability to see when something wasn't right. She shook her head, stood, and walked straight up to Holly's chair. Artemis and Holly shrank back as the fairy stared at them both incredulously, then back at Foaly.

"What the...?" Neither Foaly or Trouble Kelp spoke as Vinyaya picked up the fluffy, red and white cat and deposited her on the table, doing the same with the masked black tom, who looked annoyed by the whole affair. The rest of the fairies choked on either laughter or shock. Artemis and Holly were a little glad to see Julius Root looked amused by the whole affair.

"Gentlemen," laughed an incredulous Vinyaya. "Might I ask why we have two cats join in our meeting?"

"Actually, I'm wondering that too." Added Trouble, looking at the cats, not Foaly. Luckily, Foaly wasn't just sarcastic, annoying, cynical, pessimistic, big-headed, sarcastic, and sarcastic. He was also clever. Trotting forward, he picked up both cats, who smartly didn't complain.

"They're, uh, mine, Wing Commander." He said quickly. Root looked surprised. "Yeah, I think someone's been bringing swear toads in here, and these two are good at hunting them. But I should keep them in the office, so I'll take them back now." Any comments against the idea were destroyed by a load sneeze from a fine suited dwarf.

"Damn allergies... get those things out of here!" Happy to comply, Foaly left the room, but was followed by the Commander.

"Artemis!" Butler gasped in relief as the cat clawed it's way free of Foaly, only to be trapped by the giant.

"Help me." Begged the boy, till he saw Root walk in behind Foaly.

"You're not getting out of it that easily, centaur." He growled. "Since when have you been allowed pets, and more importantly, WHAT IS ARTEMIS FOWL'S BODYGUARD DOING HERE?!" Foaly sighed. This was going to take a lot of explaining.

"Well, let's start with the problem Artemis and Holly are having."

"Problem?" Root looked worried. He cared deeply for Holly, though he would never admit it. Foaly nodded.

"Guys, mind helping?" He asked the cats, who obediently sat up and trotted over to Julius. He raised an eyebrow.

"Neat trick, centaur, but this isn't the time." Very neat trick. Both cats walked up to him and began staring at him intently and disconcertingly. No-one moved. After about thirty seconds Root was completely freaked out. "Seriously Foaly, make them stop." Foaly chuckled.

"Well, you know how Holly's been sick, right. It's because I sent her to check out those experiments, the ones you were talking about in the meeting." He couldn't help but add how he was ahead of the other fairies. "Well she... um... was infected." Root remained the same colour, but only because he had paled and darkened almost simultanously. He opened his mouth, but Foaly plowed on. "And Artemis was checking it out too. And, well..."

"I'm begging, actually _begging_ you Foaly. Tell me these aren't Holly and the mudboy." Root blanched as both cats nodded, tails swaying. Root said one word, the calm before the storm.

"D'arvit."

ENDOFCHAPTER::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::ENDOFCHAPTER

_**Yay! Ladies and Gents, we have a plot line. I hope you're all proud of me! R&R and say so!**_

_**Oh, and do you like my new end of chapter thing?**_


	12. Haven: A Scenic Tour

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl or any affiliating characters.**_

_**But were I to get a black cat, there would be an excellent chance of me owning a Artemis. Or maybe Shadow... My first black cat was called Lucky. And in Sailor Moon, there's a white cat called Artemis. What would you call it?**_

_**Oh, god, this chapter doesn't seem right. Is it badly written? Honestly, the beginning seems kinda limp. Lifeless.**_

**Chapter 11 Haven: A Scenic Tour**

"Explain, Captain." Root was exceedingly calm under pressure. He was perfectly fine sitting down and having a careful talk over what should happen. Then considering the circumstances, gave Holly a pay rise. Hell, he gave her a promotion.

"... Uh, Holly..?"

Shaking her head violently, Holly abandoned the daydream she had taken on when the Commander had begun shouting. Now that his voice had lowered slightly and his manic gibberish had become translatable, Holly understood the question. Foaly had just explained how to understand the two felines, so Root, naturally, moved in with his clearly ever-successful tactics.

Dutifully, Holly explain the whole story, leaving out useless tidbits like the entire 'catnip incident'. Root listened, not interuppting once. Of course, by leaving out useless information, it was a relatively short story. He heaved a sigh by the end, looking depressed.

"So my best officer has whiskers." He summerised. Holly would have blushed brightly at the address, but had to lay her ears flat and stare around happily, head on paws. He turned, looking at Artemis on his perch in a head-height paper cabinet. "Of course, the people's most dangerous enemy also has whiskers, so it's not all bad."

"Hey!" Artemis, miffed, turned his nose in the air and glared at them all.

"Quiet or I shut the door." Warned Foaly, laughing delightedly at his power. "Oh this _is_ good! What I'd give for a camcorder..." The looks he got from everyone in the room made him hurriedly put his hands up. "That I couldn't use, since I'm not sadistic or blackmailing enough to film all this."

"You idiot centaur." This was said by both the Commander and Artemis, but it was Artemis who Foaly trotted over to and locked in the cupboard.

'What do you-" Slam. "Ahh! Let me out of here! Damn you Foaly!" The muffled sounds were only semi-legibal, so what they understood were minutes apart in a ten minute tirade, after which Artemis fell moodily silent. Holly, giggling, asked if he'd be let out.

"Yeah, but not for a while. He could do with a break." Butler didn't look particulary happy about it, but didn't say anything. And so the meeting continued along this line for a while, till Root agreed not to say a word about anything and left on 'official' business. At the same time, Foaly released poor Artemis, who immediately jumped from the cabinet and ran beneath the table as the door wooshed shut behind Julius Root.

"Sorry Artemis." Grinned Foaly sheepishly. "Didn't mean it." No reply. "Artemis, you there?" No reply. Holly ducked beneath the table.

"You bastard." No reply.

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Artemis slipped through the door behind the Commander. He had had to sit still for far too long, recklessness felt _sooo_ good. He didn't plan to stay in the police plaza, but didn't want to leave immediately, either. So he had began darting randomly between cubicles with a well-developed feline grace. The advantages of being a moggy (he shivered at the word. It seemed so unlike him. Mixed breed, he didn't mind. The name, that was... iffy.) -a moggy included no-one having any idea of what he was capable of. He had, when Foaly had left the computer a few days past, taken up the centaur's breed search, but simply to see what various species were capable of. It was interesting, Artemis had no idea cats were so dexterous.

So, slipping between police plaza booths and legs, he began looking through open doors and listening to the people. He would have continued this, were he not distracted by something within one of the cubicles. Pausing on his search, Artemis stared intently at the pink, fluffy object. It was... mesmerising. Hideous, salmon pink, but mesmerising. He couldn't help himself. Artemis moved forward, darting into the cubicle to study it. Study translating into 'bat it around till he got bored'.

Two steps into the cubicle, and Artemis gagged. He didn't realise it, but there was one instinct that he and Holly shared in exactly the same capacity. It was the instinct to abhore that one colour that almost made Artemis throw up as he stared around the plastic cube.

Pink.

Salmon, hot, baby, fuchsia, it was like he had stepped through the rabbit hole after Barbie had gone on a rampage. The fluffy ball completely forgotten, he stared around, horrifed, backing away. Right into the stocking clad legs of the one, the only...

"Awww! Wook at da pwetty kitty cat!" Squeaked Lili Frond, bending and picking up the black cat by the arm pits. She held him up at eye level and screeched. "You're sooo cute!"

"Help me," whimpered Artemis, safe in the knowledge that even if someone did hear him, only the trustworthy would understand. And Grub Kelp, he understood too.

Clearly not understanding, Lili sat down with Artemis on her lap. "Is the wittle kitty mwowing? Is she?" _She?!_ Lili seemed to have the same thought as Artemis, and fingered the collar. "Ooo, Artemis-" Oh no! Surely one of the LEP would wonder why a cat was named after the people's greatest enemy. "- Artemis, that sounds familiar... but where... never mind, wittle Arty!"

"Kill me now." Moaned Artemis, but as he didn't have much of a death wish, sat tense in the fairy's arms while waiting for the opportunity to run. It came a moment later as an officer -male, by the voice- called Lili from his booth.

Artemis jumped; or tried to, but the girl's grip was surprising, and she held tight. That same grip had no doubt suffocated countless boyfriends, thought Artemis moodily, but was cheered when she stood up.

"Come on Arty," she grinned. "You're figity. Do you wanna go outside? Do you?" She was instantly rewarded by complacentcy and a purr from the masked cat. "Good boy. Come on."

------------------

A/N: Yeah, Artemis is a girl's name, so Lili should still be calling him 'her', but let's say some far corner of her mind remembers his gender, if not the rest of his identity. Just thought I'd add that.

------------------

From his seat in the blonde's arms, Artemis was able to see more of the LEP, and wasn't surprised to see it looked like any police office in the world. Other than the species variations. Still, getting to know the basic area could be very useful.

"There, is that better?" Artemis saw the doors to the police plaza, and as they opened, got his first look at Haven. (Not counting the news reels in the Arctic Incident).

It was a huge, magnificant cavern. The ceiling was covered in glowing yellow light strips, -sunstrips, but Artemis had not idea what they were called. From his diminished height, Artemis could see little difference, ignoring the occasional goblin, gremlin, and emerald-skinned sprite; actually, almost no difference between humans and the fairy race. The all drove to work, complained about idiotic things, and had strangely dressed teenagers. The biggest difference was that where humans spread propaganda about and made fun of other humans, fairies did such to humans, and not their own race. Or less, at any rate.

But all this passed in the blink of an eye, as Artemis took all the views, all the information in, and managed to struggle free of Lili Frond's choking grasp. He would have sung 'Freedom' if he hadn't wanted to get into the midst of Haven unnoticed, or was feeling particularly out of character. Instead of bursting into song, he darted into the crowd milling near the police plaza, ignoring Lili Frond's nasal cries.

Gnommish, gnommish everywhere, even with his skill and intellect, it was dazzling listening to so many voices in that strange, musical tongue. Artemis paused on the street corner across from the police plaza and looked around. Time to explore.

_A short history of pets in Haven:_

_If you're wondering why cats actually **being** in Haven seems ordinary to the council members, Lili Frond, and the general population who saw Artemis as he crossed the street and thought nothing of it; here's the explanation. Fairies, like humans, like animal company. Being so close to nature, some are **really, really** close to animals, more so than most humans -with the exception of crazy cat ladies, who are the same in every country, and with every species. Anyway, when the fairies headed underground, they took some cats with them, because birds wouldn't survive that well without light, and being nocturnal, cats were well suited to the dimness and lack of natural sunlight. Most dogs didn't suit underground either and many were too big to be handled by the average fairy, so only a few rare breeds were found, including the chihuahua and Chinese Crested. Mice, rats, and other rodents were to be found in abundance in the cavern that was Haven, as well as swear toads once they came into existance, and cats were extremely useful in getting rid of these pests. (Though, like Uptown, some people kept them as pets. Sweartoads were a common favourite for small boys, though rarely permitted.)_

_In short, cats, rodents, and fish were the only available pets on the market, and cats were very popular, to the point that the sleazier, less responsible areas of Haven even had the classic alley cat stalking dingy roadways and carrying small packages when mesmerised._

_Hope you enjoyed that._

Meanwhile, while the readers read a fascinating passage on Haven's history, Artemis had begun walking carelessly along the sidewalk. Or looked like he walked carelessly. It wouldn't do for a dumb animal to know where it was going. ((nice, isn't he?)) It was the middle of a fairy work day, there weren't that many cars, the few there were ran along the electric lines, while care free teenagers and random people walked along the street. Twice he had to sit through being petted before moving on.

Artemis had been somewhat perturbed by a Haven souvenier store, filled with little toy human soliders holding guns. Or beanie baby hippies that would scare _anyone_. Shivering slightly, he continued.

Hearing laughter, Artemis couldn't help but be drawn to it. It was a strangly comforting thought to know that the fairies, despite their situation, were all happy. He smiled that odd, whiskery smile he and Holly had developed, trotting towards the sound, to find a pretty, surprisingly green park. Tiny fairy toddlers ran from place to place, giggling and chattering in fractured Gnommish. If he could have watched the situation from above, he would have sighed with the repetitivness of it all; but instead, was only able to meow plantively as another pair of arms picked him up. Small arms, that struggled to keep the cat upright, then failing altogether and almost dropping him. After a bruise and some twisting, Artemis was face-to-face with a small child (very small, by human standards) who was grinning broadly at her new prize. Dark locks falling into her eyes, she giggled musically. "Another kitty? Lots today!"

"This is still better than the blonde." Became Artemis' new mantra.

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**_A/N: IMPORTANT! Okay, due to holidays I'll be out of it for a while, people. Really, really sorry, but you won't be hearing from me again till late January, early February. _(A month and a half?! When life's a bitch, so am I... blah...)_ So, yeah, sorry. To summerise...:_**

_**HIATUS!!! till Australia's school year begins.**_

_**And if only a few people review, I won't update at all! Fear my wrath, press the purple button!**_


	13. Pink Panther and the Like

**Quick A/N before the long bottom A/N: After a year and a bit, I've grown a good deal as a writer -I hope- and I'd really like to know if it's noticeable. My new stuff starts about halfway through this. Please tell me if there's any change, and if not, I'll have to try harder in…. wait for it… THE NEXT CHAPTER.**

**You heard me.**

**Chapter 12 - Pink Panther and the Like**

Tossed and and bruised by the tiny child, Artemis managed to -in his opinion- retain some of his dignity by not meowing pitifully. Considering her painted, miniature nails dug into his sides, this wasn't bad. But she was adorable, giggling and apologising to her kitty when she bumped him or almost tripped over a toy car. After a moment Artemis thought she was headed towards a large box made of a kind of cardboard, and was proved right when she walked to it and dumped him inside. After peering inside she grinned at the masked cat and the other occupants. "Have fun, kitties!" She laughed before skipping away. Artemis groaned and flexed, gave his paws a quick once over, and turned to face the other two very different, cats.

"Heeeellllloooo!" Stretched the smaller cat, a tabby female who beamed at him and practically shook with an internal excitement. "I'm, uh, this is, uh-"

"Pay no attention to her," interrupted a fat, completely ginger cat. Artemis couldn't help noticing his light orange fur was such a different, less rich, shade to Holly's. "She's just _always_ hyperactive. Never knows how to introduce herself." He finished with a chuckle. Suddenly the cat blinked his thick furry lids. "But I guess we should introduce ourselves all proper." Artemis was confused. There weren't that many ways to introduce oneself when human, at least not with any level of confusion. But he was saved the embarassment of asking why and how. "You sitting all proper and the like. I'm Garfield, after that cartoon cat, a Haven Marmalade." Artemis nodded, noticing from the first time the way he sat straight, with his tail wrapped around his legs. The tabby was sitting with her legs all over the place, the gin- uh, Garfield lying down.

"I'm, well I'm Tabby!" Grinned the Tabby. "Obvious, huh? Well that's cos I'm an English Tabby." Artemis nodded, absorbing the information.

"I'm Artemis, a... an Irish Black." _CHEESY! Bad! Bad Artemis! Oh well... it'll do... Holly will have a giggle fit if she hears, though. I can't give her another reason to call me an idiot._ But the other cats accepted it.

"Not quite black." Grinned Tabby, nodding at his face, tail and paws while she tried to imitate his ridged posture. "So, you must be from upper Haven, huh? One of those rich places."

"You... could say that." Agreed Artemis vaguely.

"We're the both of us from downtown," explained Garfield. "Tabby, relax."

"Oh Gar, you're such a bore!"

"That's your problem, idiot."

"Don't call me an idiot!" Tabby growled deep in her throat and lunged at the older cat, who moved with surprising speed to cut her off. Artemis sat back contentedly to watch the fight, which had become amusing to his colour-and-movement-orientated cat brain.

Hissing playfully at eachother, the cats tumbled till the noticed Artemis watching, looking amused.

"Hey, what's that look for?" chirupped Tabby, cocking her head to one side, ears flickering. Artemis blinked, somewhat apologetic.

"Oh, just thinking. You reminded me of a small battle I had with a friend of mine, it started, and ended, much like this one. And it reminds me that I should be leaving soon."

"Is she pretty?" asked Tabby, eyes wide and bright. Artemis blinked, was he that see-through as an animal?

"Oh shut it Tabs, not every situation is romance-related. You've got it on the brain." Sniggered Garfield, looking slightly supirior. "But you said leaving soon, huh? Strict business in Haven? Getting a bath? Or neutered?" Artemis stiffened, ears lying flat and tail snapping as both cats burst out laughing, and narrowed his eyes.

"That is the second time someone has used that joke on me, and it isn't getting any funnier." They both flicked their tails, nodding for him to go on. Artemis regretted saying anything. "Just someone I know suggestion it." He said in an off hand voice, hoping they'd leave it. The subject wasn't embarrassing, oh no, but it was a strange conversation to have, and Artemis didn't want to be here too long, he had to get back to the police plaza before the others, most likely Butler, tried to crucify him.

"Well sorry then;" blushed Tabby, looking apologetic, then a second later... "Was it the girl- I mean whoever you were fighting with?" Artemis sighed, about to answer, when it came from above his head.

"Actually, no, it was someone else. I was on his side that time." Looking up, he saw the big round eyes of Hally staring down at him. She cocked her head to one side, while the others looked on in interest. "I'm afraid it _is_ time for him to go, because he's been very naughty and left when he wasn't supposed to, so when we get back home-" Not that the plaza was home in anyone's mind, it was just easier to say. "-You're a dead kitty." Tabby and Gar looked on with interest while Artemis stared at Holly.

"How... how are you balancing like that? on cardboard!" The fluffy white cat gave him a smug look, smoothly hoping down from her perch and into the box, sitting beside him.

"Why, sweet Arty, it's called skill. It's something I have and you don't." He glared at her, agitated tail hitting her rump. She gave the others an apologetic look, like a mother picking up a child from her a birthday. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to drag him back, thanks for making sure he didn't kill himself."

"What do you think I am, a kitten?" Artemis paused, surprised at himself. Not that he knew about it, but that sounded like a cat term, he had meant to say child, but it had come out... oh well. It probably didn't matter overmuch, unless it would eventually lower his mentality as time went on. Holly hadn't seemed to hear him, as she grabbed the scruff of his neck and tried to jump from the box. He had gone semi-numb from the sensation, blinking dizzily, till Holly reached the edge of the box, fell off the other side, and had to release him or break her jaw. He heard her groan and snickered, ears perking up, while the other two cats just watched, seemingly bemused. Tabby raised a knowing eyebrow at Gar.

"Bye Artemis, looks like you have to go!" she sang, then turned to the huge orange tom. "I knew she would be pretty! And a 'she'!" He shook his head at them, politely bid them goodbye, and left the box, jumping neatly over just to annoy Holly.

Holly chased him almost the whole way back to the police plaza, both of them slowing down when they reached the doors to keep from being seen. The next part was harder, sneaking from the doors to the operations booth without getting caught. "Don't get caught by Lili Frond. Trust me on this one." Warned Artemis, looking extremely serious. Holly snorted and rolled her eyes, making Artemis press his ears down in annoyance.

"Really, Arty, how bad could a stupid blonde secretary be- oh, I see," she conceded, thinking about it. It was harder to get back than it had been to get out, Holly looking around carefully and watching in annoyance as Artemis switched to stealth hunter mode, looking more like a panther than a house pet. "How do you do that?" she growled, annoyed. Artemis, ears pressed down and tail flickering dangerously, shrugged. "Feral." Muttered Holly, just hearing Artemis' snicker.

_Whoosh_, the door to the ops booth closed again and both cats darted in, Foaly glad he'd spotted them running towards it. They both hoped onto the table and Foaly petted Holly, partly in friendly way, partly because he guessed it would make her very, very angry. He was right.

"I just went out and found your damn mudboy, don't you dare touch me." Artemis laughed at her silently, shoulders shaking.

"Careful Foaly, she might scream assault."

"STAY OUT OF THIS!" Yowled Holly, swiping at Artemis who dogged easily, still being in hunter mode. Holly narrowed her amber eyes and hissed at him, who purred in return. Sighing, Foaly nodded at Butler, who picked up Artemis while Trouble took hold of Holly, the two of them protesting wildly and furiously.

"And you two have to stay that way," ordered Commander Root, who'd found an excuse to return. "Until we're finished and you can start." Holly stopped struggling, rolling her eyes at Artemis, who still batted at Butler, if absently.

"Start what?"

"Well we would've told you if Arty hadn't gone wandering." Sniggered Foaly, only to be cut off by Butler.

"That's a lie, you did most of that work after he had gone, and only fully figured it after Holly had." Good old Butler, defending his master, even when he ceased to be human. But Foaly waved for attention.

"Hello? The _real_ genius is speaking?" They turned to face him. "Good. Better. Now down to business. Our human scientist, the one that soaked Arty and Holly, well his wife is a huge cat fanicer, like she does heaps of shows, and grooms them, and all that stuff that weird cat-obsessed people do." There were Haven cat shows. And mole shows. And even the occasional stinkworm show.

"That's facinating." Drawled Holly. "Now, as I may have mentioned:_ start what_?" She was still annoyed at the world in general, her tail a picture of twitchy fury.

"Start spying." Said the Commander, simply and to the point. He, personally, wasn't scared of Holly, especially when she was a cat, but he wasn't the one holding onto her, and if it wasn't for magic Trouble's hands would be bloodied for a while.

Artemis' ears flickered happily. While he was mellowing out after his run from the park to the police plaza, he knew that sooner or later the bird killer in him would just beg to be allowed out, and spying usually involved quick movement, stealth, and night vision, all of which were a cat's keenest and most loved possessions.

Holly stoped shredding Trouble's hands to listen, an audible sigh from the fairy following. Despite being the more sedate of the two, this was part of her job description, and she loved everything about it. The commander smirked at Foaly, smug in his own sense of management, while the centaur tried unsuccessfully to look like it didn't bother him.

"Well, now that our kitties are behaving themselves, let's debrief." Any agent's favourite word. "I doubt I even really need to explain. Get you into cat lady's house, spy on her hubby, you'll be done by dinner." He sounded like a housewife, and obviously knew it, since he followed it up with a beaming smile. Holly flattened her ears, causing her captor to flinch.

"Foaly…" her voice was very slow, whiskers trembling as she spoke. "Don't mess with me right now." The centaur nodded.

"Fair enough. Sorry I'm trying to put a cheerful spin on things." He would've pouted, but the fear in Troube's eyes was enough to dissuade him. "Seriously. We're going to take you up to the surface, and then all you have to do is sneak around the house for a while. This should be easy, since this lady has _so many cats_ it's not funny. She won't notice two more. You'll be wearing your collars, so we'll know where and how you are, and you can tell us anything necessary. Easy-peasy." The cats nodded. Who needed a complicated plan, when the situation was already so convoluted? "Once we get something good, just leave the house, we'll set up a meeting spot, and someone'll pick you up." Artemis decided now was the time to pick apart any plo- uh, plan holes.

"And you're sure that he has a lab in the house?"

"Oh yeah, definitely. It's even in the plans for the house."

"Do you have any idea what we're actually looking for?"

"If you can use a computer with those paws, I'm sure you can find something. It might be some papers with 'evil plan' on them, it might be a hideous cat-man mutant. Just say the word, and we can get some people in there. And I don't think I even need to mention why we can't skip all this and go straight on to fairies-infiltrate building."

"Yes, yes, the council can't know. One more question-"

"Well make it quick, Arty, recess is in two minutes and the class wants to get out and play." The masked cat hissed vehemently before continuing in a subdued purr. (Purr because Butler had his thumb and forefinger against Artemis' ears, the cat was tightly controlling himself to keep from rumbling and leaning in.)

"This isn't to do with Opal Kobi, is it?" The rest of the group stared at him. "Well, I don't want to go through all this, then realise it was all a master plan to get revenge on me and the human race. It's so Bond." Foaly rolled his eyes at the youth… if he could be called that.

"Where did you get that _from_?! No, Fowl. This isn't orchestrated by Opal. I promise."

**And so does the author.**

**Yeah… I'm back! Back! BACK! AH HA HA HAH AHA HAHA AHA HHAAHAH !!11ONE!**

**Ladies and gents, cats and kitties, put your paws together for the one, the only, lousy jerk who hasn't updated in over a year!! .:scattered applause, rotten tomatoes thrown, computer screen with the website rotten tomatoes also thrown:. Come on. You know you love me. Well, anyway, I'm back. I'm so sorry, but now I have a gorgeous laptop I've named "Despanie," and have no excuss not to update. Except homework. Year 11 now, which means way more, and I should be doing my Japanese right now... but instead I finished this chapter. That has to account for something. But now onto important business.**

**DEATH NOTE IS FG AWESOME!! L IS LOVE! MISA IS A MORON!! LIGHT IS KING OF ABERCROMBIE & FITCH! L OWNS LIGHT!**

**I swear, it's the greatest achievement mankind could ever hope for, and I'm an addict. A serious addict. So this obviously means I'll be posting shorts and one of the three chapter stories (whichever one I actually continue). Also, I'm an L/Light fan, so if you read DeathNote but don't like... well, yeah. (if you read it, tell me, though!) Oh, and Light/Ryuk, but that's just seriously messed up, and don't except anyone without a serious disorder to appretiate the mind-trip it gives you.**

**Artemis is like L, if Arty had a serious emotional breakdown, went into seclusion, had a screwed-up metabolism, a cute sense of humour, kick-ass lack of fashion sense, no self-respect, went to the side of good, and Butler grew a white mustache. That seems like a lot, but if you knew L, you'd notice the similarities.**

**Okay, that's it, that's all I've got for now, and all I can say is; **your returned and humble but unapologetic servant, if you still want me, Olynara Sedai.


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